


Pre-Draft and Draft Weekend.

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Candy Licking, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Fantasy Football, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:42:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2195703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is gearing up for the Draft.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Game Night, Hotel Sex and Secret Sex Signals.  Monday, Part 1.

TO: Fantasy Football Team Owners, Catelyn Stark  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon, Commissioner  
RE: Draft Weekend.  
DATE: August 24, 2014

Dear Owners and Catelyn,

Initially, I think we should all express our gratitude to Catelyn and Ned Stark for hosting the Draft this year. We appreciate you opening your home to us. Catelyn has asked that everyone staying at the Stark’s confirm with her this week.

Secondly, I will be preparing the numbers for the random draft order draw once we have all arrived at Winterfell so as to ensure no irregularity in the proceedings.

Thirdly, anyone who will not be attending the Draft, please let me know so I can choose your number and you can be set up to draft online.

Fourthly, please review the Draft rules. For the first three rounds, each team will have ninety seconds in which to make their pick. For the remaining fifteen rounds, each team will have one hundred-fifty seconds in which to make their pick. Failure to make a timely pick will result in the loss of that pick.

Finally, I ask that we keep the Draft sane and orderly this year. No one wants a repeat of some of the prior Drafts.

I look forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,

Stannis Baratheon  
The Iron Throne League Commissioner

 

\--

LadyRose: You are so dating.  
WarriorMaiden: We are not.  
LadyRose: You brought him to game night.  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion and Jaime came to game night together.  
LadyRose: Uh huh. And which of them put his arm around you every chance he got?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is just touchy feely.  
LadyRose: Uh huh. He didn’t touch me once.  
WarriorMaiden: If we were dating, he’d have kissed me. He hasn’t. We aren’t.  
LadyRose: He will.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
LadyRose: What would you do if he kissed you?  
WarriorMaiden: He won’t, so I don’t need to worry about it.

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Kiss you, run his hand up your side. Cup your breast.  
KissedByFire: Uh? Did I interrupt something?  
WarriorMaiden: Marg needs to get laid.  
KissedByFire: So she’s cybersexxing you?  
LadyRose: I’m trying to get Brienne laid.  
KissedByFire: I thought you were sleeping with Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: Why does everyone think that?  
LadyRose: Because it’s just a matter of time.  
WarriorMaiden: We are just friends.  
KissedByFire: Sure, Brie.  
LadyRose: She brought him to game night.  
WarriorMaiden: Then Marg brought Tyrion to game night.  
KissedByFire: Oh, did you get a peek? How is the little man?  
LadyRose: I don’t know.  
WarriorMaiden: Yet.  
KissedByFire: You two can marry the Lannister boys and become real sisters.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: its not fair  
BeardedStag: No, it’s not.  
UKnowUWantMe: brie and jaime kicked r asses at taboo, tyrion won at trivia and no1 woudl agree 2 truth or dare or dirty clue  
BeardedStag: I supported your suggestions.  
UKnowUWantMe: i need 2 know what jaime uses on his hair  
BeardedStag: We’ll find out.  
UKnowUWantMe: do u think it’s getting better?  
BeardedStag: Yes, I love your hair.  
UKnowUWantMe: ur just saying that  
BeardedStag: We are all staying at Ned and Catelyn’s for the draft, we can find out what Jaime uses then.  
KnowUWantMe: they have childrn  
BeardedStag: Children aren’t the worst things in the world.  
UKnowUWantMe: well, no, eventually, but i dont want 2 stay w them  
BeardedStag: Me neither, really.  
UKnowUWantMe: book a room 4 us  
BeardedStag: Hotel sex?  
UKnowUWantMe: :)

\--

URallAssholes: did u kiss her?  
Kingslayer: Not yet. She never gives me any signals that she wants me to.  
URallAssholes: it’s tall chick, what r u expecting?  
Kingslayer: I don’t know. A sign. I think I’m still in the friendzone.  
URallAssholes: did u book a room 4 winterfell?  
Kingslayer: Had Peck do it. One room. King-sized bed.  
URallAssholes: u fukin tall people and ur king size  
Kingslayer: How do I convince her to stay with me though?  
URallAssholes: b sure 2 get in at like 2am, so she’s 2 tired 2 argue  
Kingslayer: This better work.  
URallAssholes: trust me

\--

SharkReek: hes great  
PinkISPretty: He’s kind of short and throws barware.  
SharkReek: but hes like this great mobster  
PinkISPretty: On a soap opera.  
PinkISPretty: About a hospital.  
SharkReek: but he’s like totally cool and chicks dig him  
PinkISPretty: I don’t dig him.  
SharkReek: but he’s sonny freaking corinthos  
PinkISPretty: What does he smuggle anyway? Porn? Gummy Bears?  
SharkReek: that guy who was his hit man though  
PinkISPretty: Jason?  
SharkReek: cool black tshirts?  
PinkISPretty: Yes. He’s on Young and the Restless now.  
SharkReek: victor still on there?  
PinkISPretty: yes  
SharkReek: vic newman is great  
PinkISPretty: so tell me this celebration penalty thing?  
SharkReek: if u score, u can get a penalty for excessive celebration  
PinkISPretty: shouldn’t u celebrate if u score points?  
SharkReek: THANK YOU! go tell that 2 the ginger hammer  
PinkISPretty: who?  
SharkReek: roger goodell, nfl commish and all around douchebag  
PinkISPretty: like stannis?  
SharkReek: not exactly

\--

Kingslayer: Hey  
WarriorMaiden: Hey?  
Kingslayer: I booked us a hotel for draft weekend.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought you were staying with Catelyn?  
Kingslayer: I figured we would get in late, so if we stay in a hotel, it will be easier.  
WarriorMaiden: You got me a room too?  
Kingslayer: Sure..  
WarriorMaiden: Thank you. I’ll pay you back.  
Kingslayer: Really, Brienne. There is no need.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. I can’t let you pay for me. And I’ll pay my share of the gas up there.  
Kingslayer: No.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Not going to happen.  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t stop me.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Titties, titties, everywhere,  
Those nipples I would pluck;  
Titties, titties, everywhere,  
Oh, how I long to suck!  
Kingslayer: Please, wench. I could take you out.  
WarriorMaiden: You could not.  
WarriorMaiden: Wait. Was that the Rime of the Ancient Mariner?  
SharkReek: mebbe  
Kingslayer: Did someone buy you a poetry book?  
SharkReek: im not stupid u know  
WarriorMaiden: You just play an idiot on TV?  
SharkReek: cant wait to kick ur asses, dillweeds

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I’m going to pay my share.  
Kingslayer: Your share is zero.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to fight me over this?  
Kingslayer: I’m strong enough.  
WarriorMaiden: To do what?  
Kingslayer: Throw you down...pin you to the ground…  
WarriorMaiden: You want to wrestle over it?  
Kingslayer: ...Yes?

\--

LadyRose: You arranged what?  
URallAssholes: jaime adn brienne will ride up 2 winterfell alone and stay in 1 hotel room  
LadyRose: Does, uh, Catelyn know?  
URallAssholes: dunno, brie can tell her we got a hotel  
LadyRose: How are you getting up there if you aren’t riding with them?  
URallAssholes: u want 2 drive me?  
LadyRose: Are you inviting me to the sacred male bonding ritual of the League draft?  
URallAssholes: sure, we can share a room  
LadyRose: In your dreams.  
URallAssholes: in ur fantasies

\--

SexontheSand: I’m going with Oberyn to the draft.  
KissedByFire: I’m going with Jon to the draft. Gilly is coming with Sam.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Dad wants me to go with Theon.  
LadyRose: I’m going with Tyrion.  
KissedByFire: Indeed?  
LadyRose: Just as friends.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe; Uh huh.  
KissedByFire: Jon wants to have hotel sex.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn loves hotel sex. Does Tyrion want it as well?  
LadyRose: I am not having hotel sex with Tyrion.  
KissedByFire: Uh uh uh.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: u both do it  
WarriorMaiden: No we don’t.  
BeardedStag: u do  
UKnowUWantMe: u 2 have it as some sex signal?

[UKnowUWantMe invited Kingslayer to join the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I do not have secret sex signals.  
Kingslayer: Uhm? What?  
UKnowUWantMe: we saw ur secret sex signals w brie  
BeardedStag: You were too obvious.  
WarriorMaiden: Ignore them.  
UKnowUWantMe: ren started keeping count  
Kingslayer: What are you talking about?  
BeardedStag: You bite your lip. Brienne bites her lip. Brienne runs her hand through her hair. You run your hand through your hair. Your secret sex signals.  
UKnowUWantMe: couples take on each other’s habits  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are not a couple. We are just friends.  
Kingslayer: We do spend a lot of time together. And I noticed you biting your lip.  
BeardedStag: See? You’re rubbing off on each other.  
UKnowUWantMe: hey jaime, what conditioner do u use?  
WarriorMaiden: We aren’t rubbing off on each other.  
BeardedStag: Yet.

\--

CommissionerByRight: The music video is somewhat amusing, but it does little to actually teach grammar or spelling skills, especially as how there are no spaces between many of the words which appear on the screen.  
KellyCsBear: But it’s amusing.  
CommissionerByRight: “Weird” Al Yankovic has made a minor success out of being marginally amusing. That does not make his _Word Crimes_ parody particularly innovative.  
KellyCsBear: Dany likes it.  
CommissionerByRight: That commends it little.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Catelyn, Jaime, Tyrion and I are going to be staying in a hotel for Draft weekend instead of at your place.  
RedHeadedMother: What??  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime says we will probably get in really late and he’s booked us for a hotel so you don’t have to stay up or worry about finding a place for us to sleep.  
WarriorMaiden: It was really kind of thoughtful of him.  
RedHeadedMother: But, I had sleeping arrangements...I’d had such a plan…  
WarriorMaiden: This will make your life easier. I know it’s a lot to have everyone in.  
RedHeadedMother: Yes, well...yes.  
WarriorMaiden: I think Ren and Loras are getting a hotel too.  
RedHeadedMother: I see.

\--

Kingslayer: You can bring snacks.  
WarriorMaiden: And pay for gas.  
Kingslayer: No, just snacks.  
WarriorMaiden: Are we going to fight about the snacks too?  
Kingslayer: Funions.  
WarriorMaiden: I love Funions.  
Kingslayer: Little Debbie cakes.  
WarriorMaiden: The white ones with the chocolate stripe.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: YES. See, I am rubbing off on you.  
iluvgilly: sry i always interript ur cyber sex, ill come back later

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: *facepalm*


	2. Hotel Sex and the Seven Basic Sexual Positions.  Monday, Part 2.

LadyRose: Topic of the day.  
LadyRose: Do couples start taking on each other’s habits?  
WarriorMaiden: You’ve been talking to Loras, haven’t you?  
KissedByFire: I dunno. Do you think Jon and I are alike?  
MrsYoungWolf: You do finish his sentences for him.  
KissedByFire: Only when he can’t remember the right word.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Stannis and Davos have very similar beards and haircuts.  
LadyRose: Loras and Renly rub their hands on their pants when they are ready to leave somewhere.  
WarriorMaiden: I never noticed, but I think you’re right.  
MrsYoungWolf: Catelyn and Ned both get this constipated look on their faces when they disagree but don’t want to say anything.  
LadyRose: So what do you think about a couple that bites their lips?  
SexontheSand: Each other’s lips?  
LadyRose: No. When they are thinking, they bite their lips and look at each other.  
SexontheSand: Thinking about sex?  
KissedByFire: Who does that?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up Margaery.  
MrsYoungWolf: I hope I’m not starting to look like Robb.  
KissedByFire: I’ll never look like Jon.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: But you might start staring into the distance with a broody look on your face.  
KissedByFire: FUCK YOU.

\--

iluvgilly: r u sure?  
IKnowALittleSomething: yeah, itll be great, just get a room  
iluvgilly: wont jeyne n robb b mad?  
IKnowALittleSomething: nah, ygritte is coming 2 and we r staying a hotel, u and gilly get a room 2, then you can get past 2nd base, hotel sex dude, hotel sex  
iluvgilly: that may have already happened  
IKnowALittleSomething: good going sam, 3rd?  
iluvgilly: a gentleman doesn’t tell  
IKnowALittleSomething: i tell u everything  
iluvgilly: exactly

\--

CommissionerByRight: Do you think anyone noticed? Should I sent out a correction?  
FingerfewerHand: No one noticed. I didn’t notice and I always check.  
CommissionerByRight: A split infinitive in an email.  
FingerfewerHand: Everyone has probably deleted it by now anyway. Just relax. No need to raise your blood pressure.  
CommissionerByRight: Are you sure?  
FingerfewerHand: I’m certain. I think we should get a hotel rather than staying with the Starks.  
CommissionerByRight: It wouldn’t be rude?  
FingerfewerHand: It’s for the best. You know how you feel about clean sheets.  
CommissionerByRight: We could take a set of our sheets to Ned and Catelyn’s.  
FingerfewerHand: But it would be easier if we just booked a hotel. That way we can get away from the chaos of the Stark household and all the others.  
FingerfewerHand: We can spend time alone.  
CommissionerByRight: We wouldn’t need to be so concerned about keeping the volume down.  
FingerfewerHand: We can shower together.  
CommissionerByRight: Just like at home.  
FingerfewerHand: Except it’s a hotel. You book the room. I’ll tell Catelyn.

\--

SexViper: Lovely Catelyn.  
RedHeadedMother: Oberyn? What can I do for you?  
SexViper: Ellaria will be joining me as Doran is staying in Dorne for the draft. We have booked a hotel.  
RedHeadedMother: So you won’t be staying at my house?  
SexViper: I will enjoy meeting the charming Arya, but I think it best if Ellaria and I do not stay in your home, would you not agree?  
RedHeadedMother: Well, in all honesty, yes.  
SexViper: We will see you on Saturday for the Draft.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Sorry about Ren and Loras earlier.  
Kingslayer: About what?  
WarriorMaiden: That they have the wrong impression about us.  
Kingslayer: Do they?  
WarriorMaiden: Well. Yeah.  
Kingslayer: We do hang out together a lot.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, we do. Yes. But we aren’t, you know.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: We aren’t, you know what?  
iluvgilly: i need 2 talk about gilly, r u done cybersexxing?  
Kingslayer: No.  
WarriorMaiden: There is no cybersex. Now is a perfect time, Sam. I’m always happy to talk to you about Gilly. How can I help?  
iluvgilly: which sex positions do girls like best?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Yeah, wench, what’s your favorite position?  
iluvgilly: ur the only girl i feel ok asking and we r staying in a hotel for the draft and jon says we should have hotel sex  
iluvgilly: so which positions do girls like?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s pretty personal.  
Kingslayer: Answer the question.  
iluvgilly: i dont want 2 ask ne other girls  
Kingslayer: Brienne? Come on. Favorite position. You can share.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods. I mean. It’s…  
iluvgilly: i just want 2 b good at it 4 gilly  
WarriorMaiden: Look, Sam. Each woman is different and likes different things. You need to find out what Gilly likes. Not what I like.  
iluvgilly: how do i do that?  
WarriorMaiden: Seven hells.  
Kingslayer: Yeah. How do you find what a woman likes?

[WarriorMaiden has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Marg, Sam needs to know how he can find out what Gilly likes.  
Kingslayer: Why don’t you just tell me what you like, Brienne?  
LadyRose: Uh? Ask?  
iluvgilly: like sex stuff  
LadyRose: OOOH.  
iluvgilly: like what positions?  
WarriorMaiden: Help me here.  
LadyRose: Well, what are the options?  
iluvgilly: options?  
LadyRose: What positions have you tried?

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing the seven basic sexual positions?  
Kingslayer: 7?  
WarriorMaiden: Seven?  
iluvgilly: jon says there are 3  
LadyRose: He really does know nothing.  
SexViper: There is the always pleasurable Missionary position when a woman holds you in the cradle of her thighs and you rock into her at any pace you choose. She will tilt her hips to help achieve the best angle for her own pleasure.  
SexViper: For extended missionary sessions, I find it best to have good core strength.  
iluvgilly: im not so good at that  
Kingslayer: I have great abs. Great core strength.  
LadyRose: Does he, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
SexViper: With a woman such as the goddess Brienne, who has strong legs that extend for miles, long lickable miles, the Immaculate Female Superior will allow you to rest your back and gaze upon her breasts, fondle them and also allow you to watch the joining of your bodies as she sets her own pace, choosing her own pleasure.  
LadyRose: Holy hells.

[LadyRose has invited KissedByFire to the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Your nasty snake tongue will never get near her legs, knobgobbler.  
KissedByFire: What?  
LadyRose: Oberyn is describing his seven basic sexual positions.  
KissedByFire: Seven?  
iluvgilly: so immaculate female superior is her on top?  
SexViper: Then there is the Reverse Immaculate Female Superior in which she faces away from you and you can still watch yourself slid in and out of her body while fondling the creamy globes of her perfect muscular ass.  
LadyRose: That sounds so hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Then you don’t have to look at her face.  
iluvgilly: y wouldn’t i want 2 do that?  
WarriorMaiden: Some guys do.  
Kingslayer: I’m not some guys.  
SexViper: There is also Love in the Wild, where you take your woman as an animal takes his mate on all fours, from behind. You can reach around and rub the pearl of her womanhood as she clenches around your cock, letting her screams of pleasure fill the air.  
iluvgilly: isn’t that a little degrading?  
KissedByFire: I like it.  
SexViper: Also in the back-to-front positions is the Sleeping Bodies, Hidden Viper. When you wake in the morning to find your woman in your arms, her perfect ass pressing into your swollen cock, you can simply position yourself inside and wake her with pleasure.  
Kingslayer: That sounds fun.  
iluvgilly: wouldnt she b mad?  
LadyRose: No.  
KissedByFire: No.  
SexViper: For the remaining two, you need either a chair or a table.  
Kingslayer: Table??  
SexViper: For the Graceful Seated Dance of Joy, you sit in a chair and your woman straddles you, her breasts level with your mouth. She can set her own pace and you are at her mercy.  
LadyRose: I am so turned on right now.  
KissedByFire: Who isn’t?  
Kingslayer: Brienne doesn’t get turned on by rumprangers.  
Kingslayer: Do you?  
iluvgilly: theres 1 more?  
WarriorMaiden: Something about a table?  
SexViper: Ah, the Perfect Dessert. After dinner, you can sit a woman on a table before you, lay her down so her body is a banquet on which to feast. Then she can hook her legs over your shoulders as you stand at the table, sliding your manhood in and out of her woman’s cave.  
iluvgilly: k, i wrote those down, which do girls like best?  
KissedByFire: I have to go find Jon. Fuck. Even Tyrion will do.

[KissedByFire has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: Oberyn, come describe these to me again, in private.  
SexViper: We could invite Ellaria and others to join us and discuss those positions..  
LadyRose: Oh, YES.

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]  
[SexViper has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne?  
iluvgilly: how do i find out what gilly likes best?  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe they abandoned me.  
Kingslayer: Which of those do you like best?  
WarriorMaiden: Look, Sam, just enjoy your time with Gilly and do the things you enjoy. She’ll let you know what she likes and doesn’t like.  
iluvgilly: ur the best brienne  
iluvgilly: ill go so u can get back 2 cybersex

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So if I sat you on the table, it would be easier if you were wearing a dress.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t wear dresses.  
Kingslayer: But you could.  
WarriorMaiden: But I don’t.  
Kingslayer: Stop ruining the mood.  
WarriorMaiden: There is no mood.  
Kingslayer: Because you’re ruining it.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* I have to go.  
Kingslayer: Why?  
WarriorMaiden: My car is fixed. I have to pick it up from the shop.  
Kingslayer: Great, come pick me up and I’ll go with you.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks so much for the loan of the car.  
Kingslayer: We can go to dinner after.  
WarriorMaiden: Sure. I’ll buy.  
Kingslayer: Only if we share a perfect dessert?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so MUCH to the ladies of chat and especially InkandType/snarkywordsworth for answering questions like "What would Oberyn call reverse cowgirl?"


	3. Internet Dating, Prunes, and Tyrion's Bet.  Tuesday, Part 1.

WarriorMaiden: I really need to do some draft prep.  
Kingslayer: I’ll help you.  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion does your draft.  
Kingslayer: Well. Yeah.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you even know anything about the Draft?  
Kingslayer: I set lineups. That’s my particular skill.  
WarriorMaiden: So you keep saying.  
Kingslayer: I have other skills too.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure you do.  
Kingslayer: I can show you?  
WarriorMaiden: Your draft rankings?  
Kingslayer: My skills.

\--

LadyRose: How about making him jealous?  
URallAssholes: gotta b careful, look at hyle hunt  
LadyRose: That video was so hot.  
URallAssholes: im a good camera man  
LadyRose: You make other movies?  
URallAssholes: we could make a few together  
LadyRose: For Jon Snow?  
URallAssholes: fuk him  
LadyRose: No thanks. Too emo.  
URallAssholes: im all man baby, not an emo bone  
LadyRose: Maybe later ;) How can we get Jaime to be jealous first? And not have him punch someone?  
URallAssholes: internet dating?  
LadyRose: That’s good.  
URallAssholes: im good at lots of things  
LadyRose: So you claim.  
URallAssholes: say the word and u can find out

\--

PinkISPretty: so when do they kick?  
YoungWolf: a team kicks the ball 2 start off the game or the second half of the game, thats a kick off  
SharkReek: u also kick after scoring points, again a kick off  
PinkISPretty: okay  
YoungWolf: kick off is different than a punt  
SharkReek: u punt when u haven’t been able to make a first down  
PinkISPretty: whats a first down?  
YoungWolf: a team gets 4 tries, or downs 2 advance the ball 10 yards, if they dont do it on the 1st three, they usually punt  
PinkISPretty: isnt a punt a boat though? if they dont go down, they punt?  
SharkReek: i like to motorboat instead of going down  
YoungWolf: heh  
PinkISPretty: what’s motorboating  
SharkReek: when u put ur head between a girls tits and shake and make raspberry noises  
YoungWolf: jeyne never lets me ne more and she has nice big tits  
SharkReek: marg doesnt have big tits, so it wasnt good w her  
YoungWolf: its better with bigger tits  
SharkReek: but no fatties  
PinkISPretty: what does that have 2 do with football? and what’s wrong with being plump? Roosie likes my breasts when they bounce  
YoungWolf: did not need to know that  
SharkReek: that should be a boner killer, but its not  
YoungWolf: DUDE

\--

LadyRose: If you’re not going to just date Jaime, I’m going to set you up for an internet dating service.  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
LadyRose: YES.

[LadyRose has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: So, Jaime, I’m trying to get Brienne signed up for a dating service.  
WarriorMaiden: *bangs head up against a wall*  
WarriorMaiden: I do not want to be signed up for a dating service.  
Kingslayer: She doesn’t need a dating service.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly!  
LadyRose: She just needs an anonymous sex site.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. You’re the one who needs a sex site, Marg.  
Kingslayer: Brienne, I mean, are you looking for that?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, can you please just ignore her. She is in desperate need of a date and she’s decided to transfer this all on to me.  
LadyRose: If I’m not getting laid, you should.  
WarriorMaiden: Why don’t you go get laid if you are so in need?  
LadyRose: What? And pick up a stranger in a bar?  
Kingslayer: Is that something you do, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, there is absolutely no way that this conversation is not going to be completely misunderstood. Margaery, go pick up some hot guy at the gym.  
Kingslayer: Are there hot guys at the gym you’re trying to pick up? You don’t mean that guy who slaps his pecs and grunts while looking at the mirror? Do you think he’s hot?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek:No, woman, no tits;  
No, woman, no tits. Eh, yeah!  
A little nipple, don't shed no milk:  
No, woman, no tits. Eh!  
WarriorMaiden: That grunty slappy guy is not hot.  
LadyRose: Since when did you start listening to Bob Marley?  
Kingslayer: What about that guy that does five reps and then breathes really loud while flexing in the mirror?  
WarriorMaiden: That guy is not hot either.  
SharkReek: i flex in the mirror  
LadyRose: I remember.  
Kingslayer: The guy who rubs his water bottle on his neck?  
WarriorMaiden: Not hot.  
LadyRose: Who is the hot guy at the gym then?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is the hot guy.  
Kingslayer: I am?  
WarriorMaiden: I did not just type that.  
LadyRose: Yes you did.  
Kingslayer: You did. You think I’m hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

\--

SharkKing: what did u do 2 my son?  
WardenWolf: what r u talking about?  
SharkKing: he goes 2 stay w u and comes back watching soap operas  
WardenWolf: the one with the mobsters or the one with nicki/vicki  
SharkKing: the nicki/vicki one went off the air  
WardenWolf: tina was always hot  
SharkKing: u do have a thing for red heads

\--

RedHeadedMother: Walda, we don’t actually eat prunes. I mean, Rickon occasionally has a problem, but feed him an apple and he’s fine.  
PinkISPretty: Roosie like his prunes  
RedHeadedMother: I’m just not the person to ask about prune recipes.  
PinkISPretty: u say apples work?  
RedHeadedMother: And spinach. Creamed spinach.  
PinkISPretty: maybe I can make creamed prunes?

\--

URallAssholes: hey tall chick, whats cookin?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a great cook.  
URallAssholes: ur gonna bake me a great nephew or niece  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
URallAssholes: frighteningly tall blonde nephews and nieces, its gonna happen  
WarriorMaiden: I think I liked it better when you just tried to get me to date him.  
URallAssholes: so u do want 2 date him?  
WarriorMaiden: Stop it.  
URallAssholes: sure, when u date him  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have some bet on this or something?  
URallAssholes: :)  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have a bet with JAIME?  
URallAssholes: fuk no!  
WarriorMaiden: Good. I would kick both of your asses.  
URallAssholes: i have a bet w bronn  
WarriorMaiden: WHAT?  
URallAssholes: jes being honest here  
WarriorMaiden: You little shit. Does Jaime know?  
URallAssholes: nah, he’d punch me, or worse, make me have dinner with Father alone  
WarriorMaiden: Do I want to know the substance of this bet?  
URallAssholes: probs not  
WarriorMaiden: So all your pushing me to date Jaime is to win a bet?  
URallAssholes: there r many benefits, win the bet, get jaime to stop cockblocking me, and 2 get my big bro laid  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe you bet on me.  
URallAssholes: it was b4 i knew u and decided 2 make u my sister in law  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to punish you for this.  
URallAssholes: by making me babysit my godzilla like nieces and nephews when u and jaime want 2 go out?  
WarriorMaiden: I have a whole 8 hour drive to Winterfell in which to torture you.  
URallAssholes: sure, u can torture me all u want, after u date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Wait, I know. Why don’t you date Marg?  
URallAssholes: sure, sounds great! we can double w u and jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Dammit.

\--

[IronIslandBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Madden.  
KissedByFire: Grand Theft Auto.  
MrsYoungWofl: SkyRim.  
SexontheSand: Assassin’s Creed.  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: I kind of like Dragon Age.  
LadyRose: What? We were going over the video games men will sit at home playing on Saturday night instead of going out.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb and I used to go out all the time. Before we got married.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn likes to combine foreplay with video games.  
LadyRose: Theon used to think video game football turned me on.  
KissedByFire: Jon plays games where he’s the criminal.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 1. THEON IS MY BROTHER.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 2. Foreplay? Explain further?  
MrsYoungWolf: Yeah…

\--

URallAssholes: u r so going 2 call me Lord Tyrion  
Bronn4Sale: probs, was a sucker bet, least ur bro isnt distracting all the chicks ne more  
URallAssholes: they r going 2 end up married  
Bronn4Sale: a little confident, little man?  
URallAssholes: im good  
Bronn4Sale: new bet? married by end of season, i call u Lord Tyrion for 2 years , not married and u get me n2 the league?  
URallAssholes: change married to engaged and ur on  
Bronn4Sale: deal


	4. Fantasies, 9:55 A.M. Exactly and Hypotheticals.  Tuesday, Part 2.

WarriorMaiden: I don’t like it.  
Kingslayer: You grew up on an island.  
WarriorMaiden: And I spent most of my time sunburned.  
Kingslayer: Come on. I bet you look great in a bathing suit.  
WarriorMaiden: Great if you like flat, pale and freckly.  
Kingslayer: Exactly. That’s why we should go on a beach vacation.  
WarriorMaiden: We are not going on vacation.  
Kingslayer: We could though.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s just a fantasy.  
Kingslayer: Okay, let’s talk about our fantasies.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m having a fantasy right now.  
Kingslayer: TELL ME.  
WarriorMaiden: It involves me and you…  
Kingslayer: Are we naked?  
WarriorMaiden: And I’m….kicking your ass at fantasy football.  
Kingslayer: Keep dreaming, wench.

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And you’re sure Tyrion wants Jaime and Brienne to date?  
LadyRose: He’s willing to plot with me.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Hmmmm.  
LadyRose: I’m going to keep working with him. I mean. I could hang out with him. At the Draft.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Indeed?  
LadyRose: Well, he’s funny.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Lannister men…

\--

SharkKing: every day?  
CommissionerByRight: At exactly 9:55 A.M.  
WardenWolf: what if u change time zones?  
CommissionerByRight: No matter. My bowels move at exactly 9:55 A.M.  
BeardedStag: At the office?  
CommissionerByRight: At exactly 9:50 A.M., I walk to the washroom, enter the third stall, remove my trousers, hang them the hook on the back of the door, and move my bowels. I am finished by exactly 10:03 A.M.  
BeardedStag: This is why we never have meetings until 10:30.  
WardenWolf: u take off ur pants?  
CommissionerByRight: If they pool at my ankles, they’ll wrinkle.  
FertileNonagenarian: i have 2 take metamucil  
CommissionerByRight: If you train yourself, it wouldn’t be a problem.  
SharkKing: how many metamucil u take?  
FertileNonagenarian: 10 or 12, soemtimes 14  
BeardedStag: Good gods.  
FlayMaster: You should just eat prunes.

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: whut should we talk about?  
SharkReek: tits?  
TheLastDragon: are breasts all u think about?  
SharkReek: yes  
LegitimizeThisBitches: the gurls always have better topics of the day  
TheLastDragon: we could talk about threesomes?  
SharkReek: martell might pop in  
LegitimizeThisBitches: how does that guy get so many chicks?  
TheLastDragon: i get plenty of women  
LegitimizeThisBitches: that ur bro in law buys for you  
SharkReek: i dont need to pay 4 it  
TheLastDragon: neither do i  
LegitimizeThisBitches: then why do u?

\--

BAMFLannister: Olenna, you’ve been acting smug for days.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It’s not an act.  
BAMFLannister: What reason do you have to be smug?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I’m going to win our bet.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime will not lose to a woman.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Is it really so awful, losing to a woman?  
BAMFLannister: Not to you, of course, my dear. But we are talking Jaime and fantasy football. He is the best.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Shush, darling. It will all be fine.  
BAMFLannister: Are you trying to soothe me?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Don’t you like it when I do?  
BAMFLannister: You are a devious woman.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And that’s what you like best.

\--

LadyRose: You need to let him know you’re interested.  
WarriorMaiden: Why do you think I’m interested?  
LadyRose: Are you saying you’re not?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m saying it’s a lost cause.  
LadyRose: What if it weren’t?  
WarriorMaiden: What if I had a flaming sword called Lightbringer and were the reincarnation of Azor Ahai?  
LadyRose: Seriously. You should at least let him know you’re interested.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg...I don’t want to humiliate myself.  
LadyRose: Why would you be humiliated?  
WarriorMaiden: I’d go, “Hey Jaime, I think you’re hot.”

[SharkReek has entered the room.]

SharkReek: I like titty coladas  
And getting caught in your tits.  
I am not into yoga and I am into chamtits.  
WarriorMaiden: ‘You should date me.’  
SharkReek: whut? u want 2 date me?  
WarriorMaiden: Why do I say anything ever?  
SharkReek: look brie, i mean, u got great legs n all, but i like bigger tits  
LadyRose: She’s not interested in you, Theon.  
SharkReek: thought she was w jaime  
LadyRose: She is.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are just friends.  
SharkReek: whutevs

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: ham n pineapple  
iluvgilly: deluxe, extra cheese  
FingerfewerHand: pepperoni and banana pepper and stannis prefers a three meat sub  
BeardedStag: Lor and I like taco pizza.  
SharkReek: heh, didn’t think u ate taco  
BeardedStag: Fuck off.  
URallAssholes: jaime, bri and i will eat whutevs, but they both like chips and dip  
TheLastDragon: I prefer a thin crust, not pan, or handtossed, deluxe but absolutely no green things on it, that means no green olives or green peppers. Jorah won’t care.  
SexViper: I shall be easily pleased.  
YoungWolf: mom already knows what i like  
WardenWolf: k, i’m just going to order pizzas for sat so cat doesn’t have 2 cook

\--

WarriorMaiden: I just like my raincoat.  
Kingslayer: Umbrellas are better and they keep the rain off your hair.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't care much about my hair and my raincoat has a hood.  
Kingslayer: But you can twirl and umbrella and sing and dance with it.  
WarriorMaiden: You sing and dance with your umbrella?  
Kingslayer: I might have, once.  
WarriorMaiden: I'd pay to see that.  
Kingslayer: You couldn't afford it.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you worth that much?

[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Oh, asking my net worth? Going to actually date me if I'm rich enough?  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly. That's it. I'm a golddigger.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Father?  
WarriorMaiden: Woops, sorry. I'll catch you later.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

BAMFLannister: Who was that?  
Kingslayer: None of your business.  
BAMFLannister: You are a Lannister. Everything is my business.

\--

FlayMaster: Little Wife, I told you to rinse out the jars and cans before putting them into the recycling bin.  
PinkISPretty: but they say you don’t have 2 anymore  
FlayMaster: Who is they?  
PinkISPretty: they recycling people?  
FlayMaster: Idiots.  
PinkISPretty: All right. I’ll rinse out the recycling.  
PinkISPretty: I found a new dessert recipe.  
FlayMaster: Not strawberry cupcakes.  
PinkISPretty: prune rugelach  
FlayMaster: Sounds lovely.

\--

SharkReek: brie kinda asked me out  
IKnowALittleSomething: whut?

[IKnowALittleSomething has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: hey j, brienne and reek r dating  
Kingslayer: Whatever, fucker. She has better taste.  
SharkReek: she asked me out, but her tits r 2 small  
Kingslayer: The fuck she did.  
IKnowALittleSomething: lost ur touch lannister?  
Kingslayer: Fuck you, snowbilly.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

\--

Kingslayer: You and Theon?  
WarriorMaiden: No. NO. Gods NO. Never.  
Kingslayer: He said you asked him out?  
WarriorMaiden: Never in a million years.  
Kingslayer: I thought you had better taste. I mean you think I’m hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. I do have some pride. And he dated Margaery.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: I could never date someone who went out with Marg.  
Kingslayer: Is that some unwritten rule?  
WarriorMaiden: Would you go out with someone Tyrion had dated?

[Kingslayer invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u need me?  
LadyRose: Hey, Brienne, did you do what I told you?  
WarriorMaiden: No and shut up about that.  
Kingslayer: What were you supposed to do?  
WarriorMaiden: Marg, isn’t it a rule that you don’t date guys your friends have dated?  
Kingslayer: Is that really a thing, Tyrion?  
LadyRose: It kind of depends.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d never go out with Theon.  
URallAssholes: who would date that assclown?  
LadyRose: HEY!  
Kingslayer: You would never date Greystink anyway. You’re too good for him.  
LadyRose: Like I’m not?  
URallAssholes: id still date u, margie babye  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. I’m just saying. It’s a thing.  
URallAssholes: id never date lysa arryn  
WarriorMaiden: You went out with Lysa Arryn?  
LadyRose: Catelyn’s sister?  
Kingslayer: That was a 7th grade dance.  
URallAssholes: jes sayin’ bro

\--

RedHeadedMother: What?  
MrsYoungWolf: Both Jon and Sam are staying in a hotel. Only Theon is staying with us.  
RedHeadedMother: Only Viserys and Jorah are staying with me.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: So what about Jaime and Brienne?  
RedHeadedMother: Who cares about them right now. I scrubbed floorboards. I washed walls. I made Ned reseat the downstairs half bath toilet. I bought enough groceries for a small army. Now Ned says he’s just ordering pizza.  
MrsYoungWolf: I can send Robb over to eat.  
RedHeadedMother: I put the entire household in an uproar over flooring. For Jorah. And Viserys.

[KellyCsBear has join the conversation.]

KellyCsBear: Catelyn, I meant to tell you sooner. Viserys and I will be staying at a hotel for the draft weekend. He really enjoys room service. Thank you though for the offer.

[KellyCsBear has left the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  
MrsYoungWolf: Catelyn?

\--

SharkReek: he did not shoot his dick off  
LegitimizeThisBitches: totally shot his dick off  
SharkReek: plaxico burress shot him himself n the leg  
LegitimizeThisBitches: dick  
SharkReek: he ws carrying his gun in the waist band of his sweat pants and shot himself in the LEG  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i swear it was his dick and he was out looking 2 get laid  
SharkReek: uhm...maybe, he was wearing sweat pants

\--

WarriorMaiden: It’s not a real football experience then.  
Kingslayer: You don’t have to be cold and snow-covered to watch a game.  
WarriorMaiden: If you’re going to watch the Packers, or really any of the northern teams, play live, you have to sit outside.  
Kingslayer: Except I can afford a heated skybox with a private bathroom.  
WarriorMaiden: But it’s football, you should be out in the cold, yelling and screaming. Some guys even take off their shirts.  
Kingslayer: Do you want me to take off my shirt? I would, if you ask. I know you think I’m hot.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP. I’m just saying, if you drink enough, it’s not really that cold.  
Kingslayer: It’s like zero degrees, or colder.  
WarriorMaiden: That IS why they call it the frozen tundra.  
Kingslayer: But in a skybox you can look at the freezing people and laugh.  
WarriorMaiden: And not be a real football fan.  
Kingslayer: Freezing doesn’t make you a real football fan.  
WarriorMaiden: Doesn’t make you one, but choosing to freeze to support your team is a sign of a true, dedicated fan.  
Kingslayer: How about this, when we go see teams in the north, we get a skybox, and when we go see teams in the south, I get us tickets on the 50 yard line?  
WarriorMaiden: I thought we were talking hypothetically? And hypothetically, I kind of like watching games out in the cold.  
Kingslayer: Fine. When we hypothetically go to a Packers game, you can hypothetically cuddle me to keep me warm.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to hypothetically take off your shirt?  
Kingslayer: Only if you really take off yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t really sweat pants but Plaxico Burress did really shoot himself in the leg.
> 
> The good stuff comes tomorrow...maybe ;) Candy Licker might me back...maybe.


	5. A Bet and a Debt.  Wednesday, Part 1.

Evenstar: I looked over your pre-draft rankings. I think you have a good handle on it.  
WarriorMaiden: I hope so. I'm a little nervous. This is a big time league.  
Evenstar: You were born for this. I have faith in you.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Dad.  
Evenstar: And while I'm always here if you need me, I have to go. Love you.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Love you too.  
Evenstar: Call me.

[Evenstar has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: WTF? Who is Evenstar??????  
Kingslayer: Are you dating someone?  
Kingslayer: You said you didn't have a boyfriend?  
Kingslayer: What?? WHO WAS THAT????  
WarriorMaiden: That was my dad.  
Kingslayer: Your dad?  
WarriorMaiden: My father? I might have mentioned him before? Tall? Played college football? Raised me and taught me everything I know?  
Kingslayer: You told your father you love him?  
WarriorMaiden: He said it first.  
Kingslayer: You and your father say I love you? To each other?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. All the time. Don't you?  
Kingslayer: Have you met Father?  
WarriorMaiden: No, but he’s your father. He can't be that bad.

[Kingslayer has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne thinks Father can't be "that bad."  
URallAssholes: HAHHAHHAHHAHHAHA

\--

FlayMaster: It’s just that I believe the man should be responsible for birth control in any relationship.  
FertileNonagenarian: y use birth control?  
PerfectPrincess: so i shouldn’t worry about having condoms when i go 2 college?  
FertileNonagenarian: cant feel nuthin w a condom  
FlayMaster: If you choose to engage in premarital intercourse, it should be with a man willing to accept the responsibility of contraception.  
FlayMaster: If he is unwilling to be responsible with that, he would be irresponsible with other things.  
PerfectPrincess: my brohters and theon say i should have condoms  
FlayMaster: Your siblings are remarkably irresponsible and stupid. In fact, didn’t Robb get married precisely because of his irresponsibility?  
PerfectPrincess: wll, he loves jeyne 2  
FertileNonagenarian: my girl was lovable  
FlayMaster: Women cannot be trusted when it relates to birth control and the only certain way to avoid unwanted pregnancy is through abstinence, which more people should practice.  
PerfectPrincess: thx, don’t tell mom or dad i asked  
FlayMaster: Don’t tell Ramsay that I’m buying him a vasectomy.

\--

LadyRose: I am going to convince her to invite him to her place. Can you get him to make a move from there?  
URallAssholes: hes thinks shell reject him  
LadyRose: She does this thing where she panics and freezes. Then, she runs. Or punches.  
URallAssholes: 7hells  
LadyRose: I’m working with her on it.  
URallAssholes: so he needs 2 make a move, make a move  
LadyRose: Just convince him that if she invites him to her place, she is saying she wants him to make a move.  
URallAssholes: wtf? how did we get stuck w this?  
LadyRose: It’s like shoving two sixth graders at each other.  
URallAssholes: hey  
LadyRose: What?  
URallAssholes: still fit into ur school uninform?  
LadyRose: I might…  
URallAssholes: pics?

\--

WarriorMaiden: Could I get you to do me a massive favor?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: How massive?  
WarriorMaiden: MASSIVE  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Lay it on me.  
WarriorMaiden: Could I convince you to go on a date with Walder Frey?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: ...  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I just had to clean soda off my monitor. Why do you want me to go on a date with Walder?  
WarriorMaiden: I have a bet idea. And I need something to convince Walder to go along with it.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Why me?  
WarriorMaiden: Because you're single and you would break his hand if he tried anything.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Point.  
WarriorMaiden: I just want to shove it in the face of these League guys.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: GAH. I want to help you out, but Walder....  
WarriorMaiden: I hear he's in bed by 830. So if you have dinner at 7...  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: Fine, but this better be worth it.  
WarriorMaiden: It will be. OH, it will be.

\--

LadyRose: I do not like that word, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Moist?  
LadyRose: It sounds sexual, but isn't.  
FingerfewerHand: How else am I supposed to describe cake, if not to call it moist.  
LadyRose: Stop saying that.  
FingerfewerHand: I'm not saying it, I'm typing it.  
LadyRose: You've been around Stannis for too long.  
FingerfewerHand: But not nearly long enough.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: ur sure  
WarriorMaiden: I promise, Walder. Yarsha will go on a date with you and if you have a kicker problem later, I will trade you the best kicker in the League.  
FertileNonagenarian: and i just dont draft a kicker until the 12th round?  
WarriorMaiden: Yep.  
FertileNonagenarian: deal

\--

ChampionRower: i like being out on the water  
Needler: but it’s FOOTBALL SEASON  
ChampionRower: as my gf u have to come watch me row  
Needler: i do NOT, the packers r playing  
ChampionRower: im not really a football fan  
Needler: YOU. ARE. NOT. A. FOOTBALL. FAN???  
ChampionRower: rowing is better  
Needler: u r just a sports hipster, football is the bomb  
ChampionRower: no one says the bomb ne more  
Needler: if ur my bf, u have to be ok w me saying the bomb  
ChampionRower: then u have to come watch me row  
Needler: but the packers r PLAYING  
ChampionRower: football is dumb

[Needler has invited Kingslayer to join the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Needler: jaime, would u make brienne come watch u do some stupid sport and miss watching football  
Kingslayer: No one really makes Brienne do anything.  
ChampionRower: but ur gf is supposed to support u and come 2 watch ur sports  
Needler: but as my bf u should understand my need 2 watch football  
ChampionRower: but i want every1 2 see u cheer for me  
Needler: but im not the cheerleader type  
ChampionRower: but ur my gf  
Needler: me being ur gf doesn’t mean u own me  
ChampionRower: u should give on this bc it’s imporant  
Needler: football is important, tell him jaime  
Kingslayer: Seven hells. Why am I here?  
Needler: 2 tell my bf u’ll punch him if he tries 2 make me go see his rowing meet stupid thing  
ChampionRower: ROWING IS NOT STUPID  
Kingslayer: Why would I do that?  
Needler: u owe me  
Kingslayer: Good point. A Lannister always pays his debts. Random Needler Boyfriend, I will punch you if Needler asks me to.  
Needler: SEE!

\--

URallAssholes: ur getting lannister level devious  
WarriorMaiden: I've never been dumb, you know.  
URallAssholes: 'cept when it comes 2 jaime  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
URallAssholes: so we just wait 4 someone 2 join  
WarriorMaiden: Probably Sam. We won't do it to Sam, but yes to Jon.  
URallAssholes: bet u reek joins  
WarriorMaiden: That's a sucker bet.

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: hey brie, bet u walder will draft a kicker by the 10th round  
WarriorMaiden: No one drafts a kicker until at least the 14th round.  
URallAssholes: if walder drafts a kicker by 10th round, u have 2 send me topless photos of marg  
YoungWolf: heh  
WarriorMaiden: If he doesn't, you have to buy me lunch for a month.  
URallAssholes: ur on, im a lannister, i can afford it  
WarriorMaiden: You’ve never seen me really eat.

[YoungWolf has invited IKnowALittleSomething to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has invited SharkReek to the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has invited LegitimizeThisBitches to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[LegitimizeThisBitches has joined the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: hey brie, can i get in on that bet?  
Kingslayer: Bet?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine, Robb, if Walder doesn't draft a kicker by the 10 round, you have to wear a dress to the sports bar on opening Sunday in King's Landing.  
YoungWolf: ill take that, and if he does, u have 2 wear a dress  
WarriorMaiden: Deal.  
SharkReek: i want in on that, but i want u to sing tit song karaoke  
IKnowALittleSomething: i want the porno u made w jaime  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i want pics of ur tits  
WarriorMaiden: You're all on. And if I win you all have to wear dresses to opening Sunday.  
Kingslayer: WAIT! BRIENNE. You cannot let anyone see you naked.  
IKnowALittleSomething: u admit u made porn!!!  
SexViper: I will wear a dress on opening Sunday if you all do, just because I will look better. I'll even wear heels.  
URallAssholes: yeah, add heels to the bet  
WarriorMaiden: Are we on?  
IKnowALittleSomething: dress n heels  
SharkReek: cnat wait for tit karaoke  
LegitimizeThisBitches: heh, tit pics  
Kingslayer: FUCK YOU ALL.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I got this Jaime.  
Kingslayer: I will crush you, babybolton.  
SexViper: If I knew adding a woman to the League would make it this much fun, I would have suggested it years ago.

\-- 

Kingslayer: Brienne...I mean, we didn't really make a porno. How are you going to pay up?  
WarriorMaiden: Who said I'm going to lose?  
Kingslayer: I'm just saying, if you do, we could.  
WarriorMaiden: Could what?  
Kingslayer: Make a porno.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really think I am so stupid as to make a bet with Jon Snow that would force me into making porn? Don't you have faith in me?  
Kingslayer: Uhm. I'm just saying. I'm here. If you need me. For all your needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People wanted more Arya and Gendry and...Brienne is getting brave. What will she do next?
> 
> Someone prompted me a man in a dress, and for Clothospindle, I thought, why not LOTS of men in dresses?
> 
> And thank you mystery prompter for Sansa, Walder and Roose talking condoms.


	6. Brienne Makes a Move. Wednesday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you begin, I would like to remind you all of this [Jaime’s belief about Brienne’s favorite song.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1986810/chapters/4366995r)

MrsYoungWolf: So you really don’t wear bras?  
SexontheSand: I like my breasts to be free and natural.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t actually need to wear bras.  
LadyRose: I like t-shirt bras because they give my clothes a nice shape.  
KissedByFire: Those foam bras hide my nipples. 

[SharkReek has join the conversation.]

SharkReek: Brienne, the titless slag,  
Should cover her head with a bag.  
But that wouldn't help  
Her boob lacking shelf.  
The "woman's" an over tall hag.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What’s so wrong with nipples?  
KissedByFire: FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE.  
SharkReek: nips?  
LadyRose: Get out Theon, or I will tell everyone your secrets.  
SharkReek: dammit

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: You need to kick his ass, Brienne  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn’t bother me anymore.  
LadyRose: He can be charming when he wants too.  
MrsYoungWolf: It’s so cold up here, I always wear foam bras so I don’t have headlights.  
WarriorMaiden: Headlights?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Erect nipples.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn likes looking at my nipples.  
WarriorMaiden: I wear baggy shirts a lot, so it’s not an issue.  
KissedByFire: Marg, do you wear foam bras?  
MrsYoungWolf: Marg?  
LadyRose: Hmm?  
WarriorMaiden: Foam bras.  
LadyRose: Theon has such a great cock.  
WarriorMaiden: Ew.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: MY BROTHER.  
MrsYoungWolf: Uhmmm...  
SexontheSand: Do tell.

\--

SharkReek: whut do u mean u have a bf?  
YoungWolf: does dad know?  
Needler: mom knows so shut up  
SharkReek: we need 2 threaten him  
IKnowALittleSomething: he needs 2 know we can beat him up  
Needler: *rolls eyes* i dont need u 2 beat him up, i can do it myself, or jaime will  
YoungWolf: LANNISTER?  
Needler: yup  
SharkReek: y r u talking to jaime lannister???  
Needler: he’s my friend, i like him  
IKnowALittleSomething: u said the same thing about martell  
SharkReek: gods, whut is it w women and those guys?  
Needler: dude, i’m 13  
YoungWolf: which is why u should stay away from martell and lannister

[Needler has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: dont do it, theon, arya is here  
SharkReek: but but but...I have a good one!  
IKnowALittleSomething: itll keep  
WarriorMaiden: What’s up, Arya?  
SharkReek: its a good one  
Needler: tell them jaime and oberyn r good guys  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and Oberyn are both very nice.  
IKnowALittleSomething: u jsut say that bc jaime is ur bf  
SharkReek: i have 2 say it  
YoungWolf: NO THEON  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are just friends.  
Needler: he beat up those guys 4 u  
YoungWolf: what?

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: A little Vogon poetry?  
FingerfewerHand: Four lines each. You start.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: The sparkling flesh of your tea leaves.  
FingerfewerHand: Prancing over darkened sludge.  
IronIslandBattleBabe: With the odor of pickled cheese.  
FingerfewerHand: Near the hermit’s final potting shed.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He romanced her with his protruding nose.  
FingerfewerHand: As she swallowed the yellow spittle forming on her lips.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Her tongue thick with cigarette ash and onion.  
FingerfewerHand: It was only the moment of time of reason of being of orange that brought them together.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: NICE  
FingerfewerHand: *half five*

\--

WarriorMaiden: Fine. I give in. Jaime is hot. He’s incredibly hot. He’s the hottest man I’ve ever seen. He’s half a god. He’s funny. He makes me laugh. He is infuriating. He’s wrong about so many things and when he’s wrong he’s almost hotter than when we agree. His eyes are amazing and he has never ever looked bad a moment in his life. And sometimes, when he looks at me, my knees go weak.  
LadyRose: FINALLY.  
WarriorMaiden: But he doesn’t think of me that way.  
LadyRose: If he did?  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn’t.  
LadyRose: Just invite him up to your place. Let him know you like him.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg. What if he rejects me?  
LadyRose: Look, just find an excuse to invite him up. It’ll work. Use bait if it makes you feel better.  
WarriorMaiden: Bait?  
LadyRose: Like back in the day when a woman would offer to let a man look at her etchings it really meant, come up to my place and kiss me.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t etch. Or sketch.  
LadyRose: You could invite him over to shower?  
WarriorMaiden: Get serious.  
LadyRose: Don’t you have an old book or something he’d like to see?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, wait. I do have something. Okay. I got it.  
LadyRose: Now when he makes a move DO NOT PANIC.  
WarriorMaiden: He won't make a move.  
LadyRose: Promise me you won't panic if he does. You'll just go with it.  
WarriorMaiden: How do I do that?  
LadyRose: Uhm. No shoving him off, no punching him. Whatever move he makes, just let it happen.  
WarriorMaiden: I can do that.  
LadyRose: Praise the gods.  
WarriorMaiden: Because he's not going to make a move.

\--

CommissionerByRight: Shireen has an upcoming school solo. I’d like to have it filmed.  
SexViper: Ellaria and I have made several videos.  
CommissionerByRight: This is a children’s school program.  
SexViper: You and Davos should film yourselves. Then you can critique and improve.  
CommissionerByRight: Critique what?  
SexViper: Your lovemaking. Ellaria and I find it erotic to not only feel one another but watch one another as well. I could send you some of our videos.  
CommissionerByRight: Please stop talking.

\--

SexontheSand: You have to make a man feel important, that you are impressed with him. That he is the most manly of men.  
Needler: but i want 2 watch football  
SexontheSand: Can you watch it on your phone during the meet?  
Needler: YES! tht’s a great idea  
SexontheSand: You cannot tell him though. Men like to feel that they matter most.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

Needler: y can’t boys be easy?  
SexViper: Little Arya, troubles again?  
Needler: el was just telling me how 2 make my bf feel important  
SexontheSand: Young romance, my love.  
SexViper: Ah, so he is now your boyfriend?  
Needler: yeah! i put my head on his shoulder  
SexontheSand: I remember the first time I put my head on your shoulder.  
SexViper: So do I, my sweet.  
Needler: r u 2 about 2 get gushy?  
SexontheSand: Yes.

\--

URallAssholes: look, bro, if tall chick invites u up 2 her place, it means she wants u  
Kingslayer: You’re sure? What if she says it’s just as a friend?  
URallAssholes: i have it on good authority, thats hwo she lets a guy know she likes him, invites him 2 her place  
Kingslayer: So if she invites me up, I’m out of the friendzone?  
URallAssholes: guaranteed  
Kingslayer: So I should make a move then?  
URallAssholes: mos def  
Kingslayer: What if she’s wearing a sportsbra?  
URallAssholes: she invites u up, once u get there, make a move, no matter what, just make a move  
Kingslayer: You’re sure?  
URallAssholes: positive

\--

WardenWolf: Why didn't I know Arya had a boyfriend?  
RedHeadedMother: They are 13, Ned. Well. She's almost 14 and he just turned 15. It's not much of a relationship.  
WardenWolf: HE'S 15???  
RedHeadedMother: You've met him. Gendry.  
WardenWolf: The rower kid?  
RedHeadedMother: That's the one.  
WardenWolf: He looks like Renly.  
RedHeadedMother: And why do you think that is?  
WardenWolf: Cat, he's 15.  
RedHeadedMother: Arya can take care of herself. You should be worrying about Sansa.  
WardenWolf: Sansa has a boyfriend now too??  
RedHeadedMother: Do you pay attention to anything that is going on with the children?  
WardenWolf: Well, sometimes?  
RedHeadedMother: Sansa has a crush on Sandor Clegane.  
WardenWolf: WTF??  
RedHeadedMother: I'm hoping it fades when she goes away to college.  
WardenWolf: Yeah, maybe she can date Robert's son?  
RedHeadedMother: I'd rather she date the Hound.

\--

WarriorMaiden: It’s fine. I can do this. I can do this. I pulled a bunch of jerks into a sucker bet. I can do this.  
WarriorMaiden: Just use the Springsteen record as bait. He likes Born to Run. It’s fine.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.

[WarriorMaiden has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What are you doing, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Just listening to my favorite song. I just need to relax.  
Kingslayer: Helps you relax?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. This song makes me feel good.  
Kingslayer: I’d be willing, you know, to make you feel good. :PpP  
WarriorMaiden: You know, it’s kind of like our song.  
Kingslayer: IT IS?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, yeah, don’t you think it fits?  
Kingslayer: It can. I mean yeah.  
Kingslayer: Of course, absolutely. It can totally be our song.  
Kingslayer: :pbppbpb  
WarriorMaiden: That would be nice.  
Kingslayer: More than nice. Great.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a great song.  
Kingslayer: An amazing song.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m glad you like it.  
Kingslayer: I like it. A lot. :pbobpbpbppb  
WarriorMaiden: I have it on vinyl.  
Kingslayer: You do?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, if after our run tonight you want to come up and listen to it? If you'd like? I mean, you don't have to.  
Kingslayer: YES.  
Kingslayer: I mean, yes. I’d like that. A lot.  
WarriorMaiden: That would be great.  
Kingslayer: Amazing. Completely amazing.  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, you can come up to my place. It’ll be fun.  
Kingslayer: More than fun.  
Kingslayer: I’m just kind of surprised. I mean, Brienne…  
WarriorMaiden: If you don’t want to, that’s fine. I just thought it would be nice.  
WarriorMaiden: Because the song kind of fits us.  
Kingslayer: It does. It totally does. I definitely want to.:pbpbpbppbppb  
WarriorMaiden: Good. .  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. I have to do some work.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I have never looked more forward to anything in my life ever.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: You are amazing.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

Kingslayer: OH YES!  
URallAssholes: she invited u up?  
Kingslayer: More than that bro, more than that.  
URallAssholes: k, now make a move, she might kind of freeze at first, just keep going, she likes u  
Kingslayer: Oh. I know she likes me and she’s made it very clear that she wants me to make a move. Very clear.  
URallAssholes: uh, k?  
Kingslayer: I’m going to go hydrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to all my inspiration and titbombers, InkandType for this one.
> 
> And for you, MotherofFirkins, who has made Candy Licker more than a plot device.


	7. Letters to Penthouse.  Thursday, Part 1.

LadyRose: So, it was like a letter to Penthouse???  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: A what?  
LadyRose: Letters to Penthouse. People write in about their sexual experiences, the hot ones, and Penthouse publishes them in a book. I could loan you Vol.2. Not Vol.3 though. I marked that one up.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: What? I’m not going to write this up and send it to a smut magazine.  
LadyRose: I can do it for you.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: NO.  
LadyRose: Wasn’t it amazingly hot though?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: No. I mean, yes, but no. It was. I mean. Oh gods.  
LadyRose: Let me summarize. I mean, just in case you thought about sending it in.  
LadyRose: You went for a run with Jaime, because you two can't manage to go on a real date.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: We went on two dates. One was awful and the second one was just friends.  
LadyRose: And afterwards, you invited him to your place.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: I invited him to listen to my Bruce Springsteen record.  
LadyRose: That’s stupid bait.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: You told me to find a reason to invite him!  
LadyRose: And when you were in the kitchen getting a drink of water, he dropped down to his knees, ripped your pants off, threw you on the floor and went down on you like some ravenous sex beast?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: He drank some water first. Then clapped his hands and said he was ready.  
LadyRose: He clapped?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Yeah, sort of like a “ready okay” clap. And he only got one leg of my sweatpants off. The other stayed stuck on my shoe.  
LadyRose: So ripped your pants half off?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: And he didn't so much throw me on the floor as sort of wrestle me down. I have a big bruise on my arm. I was trying not to freeze and panic. YOU told me to just go with it.  
LadyRose: But he did go down on you like a ravenous sex beast? Was it good?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: ...  
LadyRose: ???  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: WAS IT GOOD?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: ...I think I passed out for a minute.  
LadyRose: OMG. YOU PASSED OUT?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: I don’t know. I don’t know. It all went dark. I think. I mean. I couldn’t think. No thinking. Just Jaime.  
LadyRose: When Jaime makes a move, he makes a MOVE.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: He's never even kissed me.  
LadyRose: What?  
LadyRose: No kissing?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: That's what I've been telling you.  
LadyRose: No hot makeout session?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: No. JUST FRIENDS. He tried to kiss me during our first awful date and nothing since. Nothing. I mean. He's a flirt, but he's like that with everyone.  
LadyRose: I thought you were lying to me about that.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: NO. I mean. No. Nothing. He just...and I never even got the record out.  
LadyRose: Screw the Bruce Springsteen record. So...then what?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Well, I kind of passed out. And when I came to, his head was on my stomach and his hand was sort of partially under my sports bra.  
LadyRose: So, then you dragged him to the bedroom and fucked his brains out?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Then he kissed my stomach and told me he had to go and he'd see me tomorrow.  
LadyRose: Which is now today.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Which is why I'm hiding.  
LadyRose: You didn't reciprocate?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: He LEFT.  
LadyRose: And you didn't talk about anything?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: I didn't know what to say. I mean, how do you deal with something like that?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: ...I might have said thank you.  
LadyRose: I know you made me promise not to tell anyone and not to laugh, but seriously.  
LadyRose: BWHAHAHHAA. HAHAHHAHAHhAHAHAHAHAHHhhahahahahhAHHAHHAHAHHA.  
LadyRose: "Thank you for giving me the best orgasm of my life. I'm just going to turn beet red and see you out the door now. Take care, buh bye."  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: s  
LadyRose: What?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: S. Plural. OrgasmS.  
LadyRose: ...how many?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: I don't know!! It was Jaime.  
LadyRose: I am so fucking jealous. Your boyfriend goes down and makes it multiple.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: He is not my boyfriend!  
LadyRose: You totally need to change your relationship status to "Locking that tongue down."  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Oh, gods. He just left Margaery.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: What if it was horrible for him?  
LadyRose: Did he say it was horrible? Get a glass of water? Hack and cough?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: No. He kind of smiled. I think. It's all kind of a blur.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: We had been running. I was all sweaty and gross.  
LadyRose: Didn't stop him from making a move.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: But then he just left. I mean, he just told me he had to go and left.  
LadyRose: No goodbye kiss?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Just on my stomach.  
LadyRose: That's so hot.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: It wasn't. It was. I don't know. What do I do? Why did he just leave?  
LadyRose: I’m sure it’s fine. You should talk to him.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: NO. I’m going to continue to be invisible.  
LadyRose: I’m so jealous. Really. Wow. What do you even call that for the letter? Oh, I know.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Surprise oral!  
iluvgilly: uh, i was looking for brienne, and i have a gf  
LadyRose: Sorry Sam, Brienne hasn’t been on today.  
iluvgilly: uh, thanks.

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: You know that’s going to come back and bite me.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: This is awful, Marg.  
LadyRose: That Sam thinks I just offered him a blowjob?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: That Jaime saw me naked and was completely disgusted and ran away in horror.  
LadyRose: Right, after he went down on you like a ravenous sex beast.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Gods.  
LadyRose: I'll see what I can find out, but I’m in meetings all day. I’ll just have email. I should totally write this up for Penthouse.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: NO.  
LadyRose: You're going to have to come out of hiding though.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: NO.

\--

TO: Tyrion Lannister  
FROM: Margaery Tyrell  
RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

WHAT THE HELL?

Margaery

\--

TO: Margaery Tyrell  
FROM: Tyrion Lannister  
RE: RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

havnt talked 2 him yet  
will get back 2 u

Tyrion

\--

URallAssholes: w00t, big bro got laid!!!!!!  
Kingslayer: No. That's just it. I didn't.  
URallAssholes: whut?  
Kingslayer: She, you know, finished, and then she got all quiet and still. It was weird.  
Kingslayer: So I thought I'd make a move, and then, I got up to her sports bra and couldn't get my hand in there.  
URallAssholes: so you had her pantless but not topless?  
Kingslayer: Pants half off. Sweatpants are not as easy to get off as you think. One leg got caught on her shoe and I just thought, fuck it and dove in.  
URallAssholes: u realize oral sex IS making a move?  
Kingslayer: I mean, after, I thought she'd make a move.  
URallAssholes: and?  
Kingslayer: She was all quiet and looked kind of terrified.  
Kingslayer: She has such pretty blue eyes.  
URallAssholes: and?  
Kingslayer: I told her I had to go and I'd talk to her today.  
URallAssholes: she said?  
Kingslayer: thanks, I think, it was mumbly  
URallAssholes: kiss goodbye?  
Kingslayer: I didn't.  
URallAssholes: u ddn't kiss her goodbye?  
Kingslayer: I was about to explode and she didn't seem into it, so I thought I should just go.  
Kingslayer: I licked her belly button and almost finished on her leg.  
URallAssholes: DUDE  
URallAssholes: what made u decide to just tongue fuck her?  
Kingslayer: It wasn't like it that. It was..  
URallAssholes: ...  
Kingslayer: nicer?  
URallAssholes: k, it was a nice tongue fucking?  
Kingslayer: Don’t say it like that.  
URallAssholes: want me 2 say it like oberyn? y did you decide to only make love to the goddess with ur mouth?  
Kingslayer: Shut up.  
URallAssholes: i told u to make a move, not throw her down on the kitchen floor  
Kingslayer: She was wearing sweatpants and a sports bra and she invited me back to her place and she said our song is Candy Licker.   
URallAssholes: she said what?  
Kingslayer: She invited me up to her place to listen to her favorite song because it makes her feel good. And then she said Candy Licker could be our song.  
URallAssholes: tall chick said that? tall chick? the one who doesn't get innuendo and blushes?  
Kingslayer: Her eyes get so blue when she blushes. She hasn't logged in today. She probably hates me. It was probably horrible for her.  
URallAssholes: jaime  
URallAssholes: log off. i'll find her and and figure it out  
Kingslayer: She can't be mad at me. I can’t take it if she’s mad at me.  
URallAssholes: log off.  
Kingslayer: If she wants to do it again though, I mean, I would.  
URallAssholes: log off  
Kingslayer: If all she ever wants to do is that, I'd be okay with that too.  
URallAssholes: log off, jaime  
Kingslayer: Tell her that though, 25/9.  
URallAssholes: i can't fix this if u don't go away  
Kingslayer: Make her forgive me if she's mad.  
URallAssholes: LOG OFF  
Kingslayer: Fine!

[Kingslayer has logged out of chat.]

\--

TO: Tyrion Lannister  
FROM: Margaery Tyrell  
RE: RE: RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

When Jaime says he’s going to make a move, he really makes a move. Is that a Lannister thing? She thinks he doesn’t like her. I’m in meetings. You have to fix this.

Marg

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry peeps. There are no side conversations in this chapter. I tried and couldn't fit them it. 
> 
> You'll hear from other people another time.


	8. Tyrion Lannister, the Fixer.  Thursday, Part 2.

URallAssholes: so tall chick, something u want to share with me?  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: How did you find me?  
URallAssholes: ne1 w a brain can find people who are lurking invisible.  
InvisibleWarriorMaiden: Is Jaime online and invisible?  
URallAssholes: i made him log off

[InvisibleWarriorMaiden has become WarriorMaiden.]

URallAssholes: but he’s in his office throwing a rubber ball against the wall  
WarriorMaidne: HE’S THERE WITH YOU??  
URallAssholes: his office is next 2 mine, he bounces a ball against the wall when eh’s nervous  
WarriorMaiden: What did he tell you?  
URallAssholes: that he wubs u and wants u 2b his gf  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously. He's not that much like Sam.  
URallAssholes: im pretty sure sam never did 2 gilly what jaime did 2u on the kitchen floor  
WarriorMaiden: OH GODS.  
URallAssholes: relax  
URallAssholes: i mean, didn't he relieve ur stress last night? heh  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, shut up, shut up. I can't talk about this. He TOLD you.  
URallAssholes: relax, its just sex  
WarriorMaiden: But it wasn't. Shut up.  
WarriorMaiden: Sex.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean. OH GODS.  
URallAssholes: so i gahtered, y not?  
WarriorMaiden: He just left. I can't talk about this.  
URallAssholes: didn't u want him 2?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, yes, but I mean, no. I just.  
WarriorMaiden: It was like a surprise attack. I didn’t want that. Like that.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: surprise oral? surprise oral is always fun  
SharkReek: All the titties in the world for me  
Let’s not make nipples harder than they have to be  
Tits chase nips chase tits  
URallAssholes: gt out theon  
SharkReek: wut? suprise oral? where?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods.  
URallAssholes: jeyne is linking 2 photos of her new bras  
SharkReek: FUCK

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: he said youd been talking about ur favorite song  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. So I invited him up to listen to Born to Run.  
URallAssholes: thats ur favrte song?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. Springsteen. Jaime and I had talked about it, being you know, kind of our song, because we run together. I have it on vinyl.  
URallAssholes: did u ever tell him that was ur favorite song?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know. I must have because he's been joking about it for weeks.  
URallAssholes: and u told him it was ur song, u and him  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, because we run together.  
URallAssholes: my dearest tall chick and future sister in law, are u sitting down?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm at my desk, so yes?  
URallAssholes: my idiot brother seems 2 believe that ur favorit song is that candylicking song and that u invited him over 2 ...lick candy  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
WarriorMaiden: ...........!!!!!!  
WarriorMaiden: MOTHER, FATHER, WARRIOR, SMITH, MAIDEN, CRONE AND STRANGER  
WarriorMaiden: He thought I was...?  
URallAssholes: yes, yes he did  
WarriorMaiden: Can a person die of embarrassment? I'm mortified. Humiliated. I may never recover. How can I ever look at him again? OH GODS.   
URallAssholes: hold up  
WarriorMaiden: What kind of woman says "Oh baby I want you to go down on me?"  
URallAssholes: a hot one?  
URallAssholes: ell prpbably says it, and yarsha  
URallAssholes: maybe marg  
URallAssholes: get marg 2 say it 2 me. id be down w it  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. I can never speak to him again.  
URallAssholes: now wait a minute. did u have a good time?  
WarriorMaiden: I cannot discuss that with you. Gods. What must he think of me?  
URallAssholes: ill assume then jaime has the lannister skill set  
WarriorMaiden: The what?  
URallAssholes: did the world kind of go black and explode?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
URallAssholes: yep, the lannister skill set  
WarriorMaiden: Gods. I'm going to transfer to Storm's End.  
URallAssholes: y?  
WarriorMaiden: Because! I mean, gods. He'll not want to see me again.  
URallAssholes: quite the opposite  
WarriorMaiden: We'll go to the draft and it will be all awkward.  
URallAssholes: or not  
WarriorMaiden: He'll bring a date to League Sunday get togethers and I'll hide in a corner.  
URallAssholes: or u could, u know, fuck him  
WarriorMaiden: This is too humiliating. That he thinks I’m the kind of person who would do that. He probably hates me.  
URallAssholes: he had a good time  
WarriorMaiden: No, he didn't.  
URallAssholes: trust me, b, he had a very very good time  
WarriorMaiden: He’s just being polite because he thought I was a loser who had to ask a man for sex. Oral sex. He didn't, you know, have a good time.  
URallAssholes: gods, ur an idiot.  
URallAssholes: read this now and read it well  
URallAssholes: he enjoyed himself and is desperate 2 see u again  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t believe that.  
URallAssholes: if i could shake u, i would. he thinks ur mad at him and thats why he's bouncing that damn ball against the wall  
WarriorMaiden: Why would he think that I would be mad at him? Did I do something wrong?  
URallAssholes: *bangs head into desk*  
URallAssholes: he wants 2 see u tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. No. What would I say to him?  
URallAssholes: how about "jaime jaime, baby, gods, jaime"

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: faster harder  
URallAssholes: slower deeper  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: dnt say that, it might ruin the mood  
iluvgilly: I'll leave u 2 alone

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Seriously.  
WarriorMaiden: OH GODS. I am supposed to ride with you to the draft. Eight hours in a car. OH GODS. TOMORROW.  
URallAssholes: could u for four minutes get a grip on yourself  
WarriorMaiden: You’re right. I am a mature adult woman. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s fine. We can still be friends. We can just pretend it never happened.  
URallAssholes: SHUT UP.  
URallAssholes: i hate 2pull an arya stark, but do u like him or like him like him  
WarriorMaiden: I...I mean...I. I don’t know? I...yes?  
URallAssholes: i assure u, he likes u likes u  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn’t.  
URallAssholes: u 2 mayb the stupidest people in westeros, he wants u, ive had 2 listen 2 it for weeks now, like th ebouncing of that damn BALL  
WarriorMaiden: This isn't some joke?  
URallAssholes: look, go 2 dinner w him 2 night u can talk  
WarriorMaiden: So he can dump me in public?  
URallAssholes: im doing a classic brienne tarth eyeroll here  
URallAssholes: he will be @ ur place at 730pm 2night w pizza and a bottle of wine  
WarriorMaiden: At least he can't stand me up in public.  
URallAssholes: SHUT THE EVER LIVING MOTHER OF FUCK UP WOMAN.  
URallAssholes: he likes u, he has liked u since the 1st night we met  
WarriorMaiden: When he accused me of looking like a man.  
URallAssholes: when he talked about u all evening long  
WarriorMaiden: Made fun of me.  
URallAssholes: jaime has paid less attention 2 women who asked him 2 feel their boobs than he paid 2 u that night  
WarriorMaiden: Women ask him to feel their breasts?  
URallAssholes: its happened more than once. he pays no attention  
WarriorMaiden: And he thinks I asked him to…OH GODS!  
URallAssholes: move past that, u r going 2 date him now, like a regular person  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t.  
URallAssholes: u can, u will, he will be at ur place, pizza and a bottle of wine, dont wear a sports bra  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
URallAssholes: have condoms  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Whatever.  
URallAssholes: lots of condoms, he has years of backup  
WarriorMaiden: By 745 I will be drowning in humiliation.  
URallAssholes: fukin hells

\--

TO: Margaery Tyrell  
FROM: Tyrion Lannister  
RE: RE: RE: RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

ur best friend is stupid  
my bro is dumber  
ill fix it

Tyrion

\--

TO: Tyrion Lannister  
FROM: Margaery Tyrell  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

You’d better or I will make the ride to Winterfell a living hell.

Marg

\--

URallAssholes: DO NOT MESSAGE HER.  
Kingslayer: But she's online.  
URallAssholes: whut would u say 2 her?  
Kingslayer: ..Hi?  
URallAssholes: chat is not the way 2 have the convo u need 2 have w her  
Kingslayer: But she's right there. Online. I have a notification. That she's there. It’s blue. I made it blue. The notification. It flashes "WarriorMaiden is online."  
URallAssholes: restrain urself from doing something stupid  
Kingslayer: Just a hi?  
URallAssholes: NO  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
URallAssholes: u r picking up pizza and a bottle of good red wine and going 2 her place 2night  
Kingslayer: I am?  
URallAssholes: u will knock on her door @ 722. not a minute later  
Kingslayer: Why 722?  
URallAssholes: bc i have fixed this 4 u and I SAY 722!  
Kingslayer: Okay. She's expecting me?  
URallAssholes: yes  
Kingslayer: She's not mad at me?  
URallAssholes: well. her favorite song is Born to Run by springsteen, not Candy Licker.  
Kingslayer: ?  
URallAssholes: Born to Run.  
Kingslayer: But I'm sure the guys said it was Candy Licker?  
URallAssholes: u believe those fuckers?  
Kingslayer: Okay. That was dumb.  
URallAssholes: superlatively stupid  
Kingslayer: Don't rub it in.  
Kingslayer: So when she invited me to her place, she wasn’t expecting me to…  
URallAssholes: no. it was definitely surprise oral from her perspective  
Kingslayer: Does she hate me?  
URallAssholes: ur like fuking 4th graders. arya is more aware than u2  
Kingslayer: You fixed it?  
URallAssholes: u will arrive at exactly 722, when she answers the door, u will kiss her.  
Kingslayer: What do I do with the pizza and wine?  
URallAssholes: eat them?  
Kingslayer: I mean when I kiss her? What do I do with them?  
URallAssholes: sam has more game  
Kingslayer: It's a valid question.  
URallAssholes: lean n and peck her, then give her a proper kiss after u put them down  
Kingslayer: Okay.  
URallAssholes: DO NOT MOLEST HER ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR  
Kingslayer: ...Okay.  
URallAssholes: have a normal date, where u eat pizza and drink wine and cuddle on the couch  
Kingslayer: I've never done that.  
URallAssholes: i know, dear gods, i KNOW.  
Kingslayer: Shut up.  
URallAssholes: make her laugh and relax, then kiss her, like a normal person, without ripping off her pants  
Kingslayer: That will work?  
URallAssholes: it does 4 every othr man in the universe  
Kingslayer: Pizza, wine, 722, kiss her.  
Kingslayer: I can do this.  
URallAssholes: DO NOT MESSAGE HER  
Kingslayer: Just to say hi?  
URallAssholes: NO  
Kingslayer: Fine! I'm going to get that expensive Arbor red you like so much and take it to her. Two bottles.  
URallAssholes: how will u hold 2 bottles and a pizza and kiss her?  
Kingslayer: Fuck YOU.

\--

TO: Margaery Tyrell  
FROM: Tyrion Lannister  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Your Brother and My Best Friend  
DATE: August 28, 2014

consider it fixed  
i got us a room ;) we can discuss lannister things 

Tyrion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did any of you predict that? Did I finally not telegraph exactly what was going to happen?
> 
> But...what happens tomorrow? Can Jaime manage both pizza and wine and giving Brienne their first kiss? Will the pizza end up on the floor? Will the wine be spilled?
> 
> I promise not to tell.


	9. Surprise Oral.  Friday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only chapter for today.
> 
> For the afternoon, you can imagine a map of Westeros and a bunch of little cars making their way towards Winterfell.

BAMFLannister: Tyrion. Where is your brother?  
URallAssholes: not his keeper  
BAMFLannister: It is the day before the Draft. He needs to focus.  
URallAssholes: i do the draft, he sets the lineups  
BAMFLannister: Jaime would be fully capable of drafting a team if he would properly focus.  
URallAssholes: whut the fuck ever  
BAMFLannister: It has been reported to me that he has a girlfriend.  
URallAssholes: did u bug his office?  
BAMFLannister: I do not put listening devices in any of the corporate offices. Those recordings could be used as evidence.  
URallAssholes: im strangely relieved  
BAMFLannister: Is your brother seeing someone?  
URallAssholes: mebbe  
BAMFLannister: Provide me her name and date of birth so I can have a full background check completed on her.  
URallAssholes: shes fine, u might like her  
BAMFLannister: So she's not like any of the women you purport to date?  
URallAssholes: nice dig, but no. olenna knows her  
BAMFLannister: Olenna knows about this relationship?  
URallAssholes: OoooOo, does ur gf know something u don't know?  
BAMFLannister: ...

\--

iluvgilly: i dunno, they were talking about surprise oral  
KissedByFire: What’s surprise oral?  
iluvgilly: marg offered it 2 me, i think  
KissedByFire: I have to find this out.

[KissedByFire has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: You need me?  
KissedByFire: What is surprise oral?  
LadyRose: Oh uhm, Sam you walked into a conversation at the exact wrong time. I wasn't trying to hit on you.  
iluvgilly: ok, cause im in luv with gilly  
LadyRose: Great Sam, just great.  
KissedByFire: WHAT IS SURPRISE ORAL?  
iluvgilly: i gotta go

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Tell me everything.  
LadyRose: I can’t.  
KissedByFire: Don’t hold out on me.  
LadyRose: I promised.  
KissedByFire: Give me something  
LadyRose: I can tell you this.  
LadyRose: The other night a certain person just dropped down and gave oral sex to another person with absolutely no preamble.  
KissedByFire: No kiss and cuddle?  
LadyRose: Not even a grope.  
KissedByFire: Damn. That’s hot.  
LadyRose: I KNOW!!  
KissedByFire: Okay. The giver has to be Oberyn. Who did he give to?  
LadyRose: I am sworn to secrecy.

\--

SexontheSand: Oberyn was watching a school play that night with one of his daughters. I was with him all night. We had sex, of course, but it wasn’t “surprise oral.” I’ve never actually heard of that.  
KissedByFire: Fuck. Who was it then?  
SexontheSand: It will be me and Oberyn soon.

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not me. I haven’t had sex in like two weeks, let alone oral, surprise or otherwise.  
SexontheSand: Dammit. Who got surprise oral?

[SexontheSand invited MrsYoungWolf to the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Surprise oral?  
MrsYoungWolf: What?  
SexontheSand: Someone had surprise oral the other night. Was it you?  
MrsYoungWolf: NO. But can someone suggest whatever that is to Robb?

\--

SexontheSand: My love, I would most certainly do it for you.  
SexViper: And I for you, but let me inquire.

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not you then?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: id be n2 it, if you wanted  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not in your best dreams.

\--

PinkISPretty: do men like that? surprise oral? should I try it on roosie?  
SexViper: So it was not you, Sweet Walda?  
PinkISPretty: well, no but ask me again next week  
SexViper: Ah, you are learning.

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: dunno, not u guys?  
Bronn4Sale: not me  
TheLastDragon: no, i do not give oral sex to women, women give oral sex 2 me  
KellyCsBear: I would to the right woman, but the right woman is with another. *sigh*  
LegitmizeThisBitches: pussy  
Bronn4Sale: yes, please

\--

KissedByFire: So, not you two?  
CommissionerByRight: Davos and I try to be more discreet about our activities. If we were to engage in ‘surprise oral’, we most certainly would not be discussing it in internet chat.  
FingerfewerHand: Well, at least not in chat with other people.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos…  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?

\--

PinkISPretty: do you and Ned do that?  
RedHeadedMother: Surprise oral? I mean. I’ve never heard it called such.  
PinkISPretty: But you do it?  
RedHeadedMother: Ned and I have been adventurous, but we have four children in the house right now, so not lately. And never just a surprise.

\--

LimpingLord: It sounds like too much effort.  
SexontheSand: Come on, Doran. It’s hot oral sex. That’s worth putting in effort.  
LimpingLord: Perhaps, but I haven’t. At least not recently.

\--

FingerfewerHand: So not you guys?  
WardenWolf: cat and i never have fun now that we have so many kids, but damn, i wish  
FlayMaster: Has someone mentioned this to Walda? She occasionally gets these ideas.  
FingerfewerHand: Everyone is talking about it, Roose. Watch you when you get home tonight.

\--

RedHeadedMother: I’ve never heard of it. And Ned and I have tried most things.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Hmmm. Surprise oral.  
RedHeadedMother: No lead up. Just that.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Afterglow?  
RedHeadedMother: No rumors about that at all.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: never ehard of it, whut is surprise oral?  
SharkKing: like, she goes down on u, as a surprise?  
WardenWolf: i guess, it sounds like a new thing  
FertileNonagenarian: whuts wrong w old stuff?

\--

SexontheSand: Not you two?  
BeardedStag: No, but it sounds fun.  
UKnowUWantMe: we shud try it at the hotel 2 night  
BeardedStag: But if we plan it, it’s not surprise oral.

\--

Unknown: A man surprises a woman?  
Unknown: Or a woman surprises a man?  
MrsYoungWolf: I just want Robb to surprise me.  
Unknown: This man is unsurprised.

\--

BAMFLannister: You mean that time at the resort in the Summer Islands?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes.  
BAMFLannister: Of course I didn’t discuss that with anyone. I believe a man should be discreet.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: If you weren’t discussing surprise oral, who was?  
BAMFLannister: Tell me what you know of this woman my son is dating, and perhaps we can do more than discuss.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Why Tywin, you’d use sex to pry information from me?  
BAMFLannister: It’s a skill I learned from you.

\--

KissedByFire: Jon, you have to find out from the Theon.  
IKnowALittleSomething: y?  
KissedByFire: Because you’ll never get any oral again if you don’t and he probably will just make some skeevy comment if I ask.  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine!

[IKnowALittleSomething has invited SharkReek to the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: ‘sup? seen brie?  
SharkReek: i was thinking i could go w some sia or beyonce  
KissedByFire: Gods, shut up, idiot. She's not online today.  
IKnowALittleSomething: dude, know ne thing about surprise oral?  
SharkReek: tyrion was talkin bout it yesterday  
KissedByFire: Tyrion. That little shit.

\--

URallAssholes: havn’t heard a word from him  
LadyRose: She isn’t answering my texts.  
URallAssholes: peck said he called in sick  
LadyRose: You think...?  
URallAssholes: gods, i hope so  
LadyRose: If he hurts her…  
URallAssholes: i know i know u’ll destroy him  
LadyRose: Remember it.  
URallAssholes: evs, they are going to make blonde giant babies who will be taller than me by 1st grade  
LadyRose: And he will treat her like a queen.  
URallAssholes: werent most of the westerosi queens either abused or crazy ass drunken bitches?  
LadyRose: Fine, he will treat her like she deserves to be treated.  
URallAssholes: got it, u sure she’s not at work?  
LadyRose: Let’s get Ren.

[LadyRose has invited BeardedStag to the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]

BeardedStag: Need something?  
LadyRose: Have you heard from Brienne today?  
BeardedStag: She called in sick. She sounded a little weird. Like she couldn't breathe. I hope she’s alright to make it to the draft.  
URallAssholes: i think she’s fine  
LadyRose: She better be.  
BeardedStag: Hey...did you guys hear about this surprise oral thing?  
URallAssholes: uh...what surprise oral thing?  
BeardedStag: Rumor has it someone was getting surprise oral.  
LadyRose: I know nothing.  
URallAssholes: never heard of it  
BeardedStag: Was it you two?  
LadyRose: NO!  
URallAssholes: dont say it like it’s not an option  
LadyRose: It’s an option?  
BeardedStag: I’m telling Loras.  
URallAssholes: dont u need 2 leave 4 winterfell soon?  
BeardedStag: Don’t you?

\--

SexontheSand: Tyrion and Margaery? Are you certain?  
KissedByFire: Renly told Loras who told Robb who told Theon who told Davos who told Yarsha who told me.  
SexontheSand: The little man has talents then.  
KissedByFire: I should have found out when I had the chance.


	10. Saturday, 3:27 A.M., A Hotel Near Winterfell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no Jaime and no Brienne in this chapter. You have been warned.

iluvgilly: jon, i realize you are not online and will not get this message, but gilly and i are trying to sleep and you and ygritte having been having loud sex for the last three hours. it’s rude  
IKnowALittleSomething: not us dude, it’s the room on the other side of me, ygs and i finished hours ago  
iluvgilly: its THAT loud 2 rooms away?

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: You should hear what it sounds like in here.

[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: could u hets keep it down? ren and i want 2 sleep  
KissedByFire: Not us.  
UKnowUWantMe: who is it then?

[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]

BeardedStag: I’d like to get some sleep. Can you keep that banging and moaning down? Hotel sex is nice and all, but enough is enough.  
iluvgilly: not us

[TheLastDragon has joined the conversation.]

TheLastDragon: Can you people possibly stop having loud sex? Some of us would like to sleep.  
IKnowALittleSomething: if we were doin it we wouldnt b online

[LegitimizeThisBitches has joined the conversation.]  
[KellyCsBear has joined the conversation.]

LegitimizeThisBitches: who the fuk is getting laid all night?  
UKnowUWantMe: trying 2 figure it out  
KellyCsBear: I don’t recognize the voices.  
KissedByFire: You listen a lot?  
KellyCsBear: Sometimes.  
BeardedStag: Martell, maybe?

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Anyone know who is having so very much fun in the room above us?  
SexontheSand: Are they looking for company?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It’s the room below me and I know it’s not Theon. He’s staying with Robb and Jeyne.  
Unknown: A woman screams.  
Unknown: A man moans.  
Unknown: No one else can sleep.  
IKnowALittleSomething: fukin hells, jaqen when did you get here

[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]  
[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: This is utterly ridiculous. I would like to get some rest. Could you please finish and go to sleep?  
FingerfewerHand: Don’t get too upset, Stannis.  
UKnowUWantMe: yeah, stan, dont get 2 excited  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: If it were any of us, we wouldn’t be online chatting  
FingerfewerHand: Good point.  
CommissionerByRight: Has someone complained to the management?  
SexViper: Why should we complain when there is clearly so much pleasure to be had?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Who are we missing?  
iluvgilly: …  
TheLastDragon: …  
CommissionerByRight: The Lannister brothers? And Brienne Tarth?  
IKnowALittleSomething: 3some?  
KissedByFire: Margaery was coming with Tyrion.  
SexViper: Foursome?  
KellyCsBear: sounds like only two people  
LegitimizeThisBitches: snow, go out in the hall and listen at the door and c if u can tell who it is  
IKnowALittleSomething: y me?  
BeardedStag: Why not you?  
IKnowALittleSomething: FINE, brb  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What the hell was that?  
SexViper: I’d say it was the sound of a nightstand breaking. Or perhaps a small table.  
CommissionerByRight: Maybe they will stop now.  
iluvgilly: no...there they go again  
KissedByFire: The mirror in our bathroom is rattling.  
UKnowUWantMe: the headboard was slamming n2 our wall earlier  
KellyCsBear: how long can they go?  
SexViper: It is impressive.  
TheLastDragon: They have to finish soon.  
iluvgilly: it’s getting faster  
KissedByFire: And louder.  
LegitmizeThisBitches: damn, i think the plaster must have come off the wall  
FingerfewerHand: At least they are done.  
IKnowALittleSomething: back  
SexontheSand: What did you hear?  
IKnowALittleSomething: sounded like “jaime jaime jaime” and “oh gods brienne”  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: GOOD FOR HER!  
SexontheSand: Lucky woman.  
SexViper: Ah, the goddess.  
BeardedStag: Jaime has remarkable stamina.  
UKnowUWantMe: really, ren? really? going 2 mention his hair now 2?  
KissedByFire: Oh gods.  
TheLastDragon: have they started again?  
iluvgilly: is that short a recovery time normal?  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO  
LegitimzieThisBitches: no  
TheLastDragon: no.  
CommissionerByRight: Sometimes.


	11. Saturday Morning, 9:14 A.M.  A Hotel Near Winterfell.

IKnowALittleSomething: got no sleep last night, dude  
YoungWolf: y not?  
LegitmizeThisBitches: jaime and brienne banging, all night long  
TheLastDragon: it really was ridiculous

[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

[IronIslandsBattleBabe has invited SexontheSand to the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[KellyCsBear has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Jaime and Brienne. ALL NIGHT LONG.  
SexViper: At least one, possibly two pieces of furniture were broken.  
MrsYoungWolf: BRIENNE? AND JAIME????  
KellyCsBear: The bed frame sounded as if it’s about to crack as well.

[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]  
[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]

BeardedStag: Who got any sleep last night?  
CommissionerByRight: I travel with earplugs. The sound was at least muffled.  
UKnowUWantMe: lucky u

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

SexontheSand: We should ask if they’d like company?  
LadyRose: Who wants company for what? I was going to go shopping today Ell, Ygritte, interested?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: did u get n e sleep last night?  
LadyRose: I slept fine, why?  
SharkReek: like a rock  
IKnowALittleSomething: jaime n brienne kept us all up last night  
LadyRose: What?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: *thump thump thump moan thump bang moan thump thump thump*  
KellyCsBear: you forgot the crashing noises  
SharkReek: fukin hells, i missed it?

[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: didnt u hear it?  
URallAssholes: hear what?  
UKnowUWantMe: ur bro and his giant woman doing the het nasty all night long  
URallAssholes: heh, i booked in a differnet hotel  
CommissionerByRight: Do they have any rooms available for tonight?  
Unknown: A man has booked their last available room.  
TheLastDragon: you dick.

[RedHeadedMother has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Good morning. I hope you all had a good night’s rest. I’ll see you around 11am?  
FingerfewerHand: Catelyn, the floorboards in our room are dusty and it’s hell on my allergies. Can Stannis and I stay at your place tonight?  
CommissionerByRight: I love you, Davos.  
RedHeadedMother: Well, of course. That would be fine. Stannis, Davos. If the hotel is a problem, you’re welcome to stay.  
iluvgilly: our room is freezing, can gilly and I stay with you too?  
TheLastDragon: Our rooms are burning up, can Jorah and I stay with you?  
RedHeadedMother: I mean, of course.  
IKnowALittleSomething: some1 left soap in the bathroom and it had pubes on it, can ygs and i stay?  
BeardedStag: That’s disgusting.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: The flock of geese outside my room didn’t stop quacking all night, can I stay?  
UKnowUWantMe: there was a cockroach the size of my hand in the shower, can ren and i stay?  
RedHeadedMother: All of you cancelled your plans to stay here and booked a hotel, and now all of you want to check out of the hotel and want stay with us?  
URallAssholes: marg and i are fine where we are  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I are enjoying our stay  
RedHeadedMother: What about Brienne and Jaime?  
IKnowALittleSomething: …  
FingerfewerHand: …  
BeardedStag: ...  
LadyRose: I think they are probably happy where they are.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: heh, happy endings  
KissedByFire: Shut it, nimrod.  
RedHeadedMother: FINE. FINE. Let me go re-arrange all the bedding. AGAIN. I will kill Ned for this. 

[RedHeadedMother has left the conversation.]

YoungWolf: dad is so getting cut off  
KellyCsBear: what was that?  
KissedByFire: Holy hells, again?  
SexViper: That was the sound of a lamp being kicked over.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i got ten bucks that sez neither of them can walk 2day  
UKnowUWantMe: sucker bet  
SharkReek: then it’s right 4 u, isn’t it?  
KissedByFire: I think this answers the surprise oral question.  
LadyRose: You didn’t hear it from me.  
IKnowALittleSomething: we heard it from them, all night long mebbe there’s video  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: At least they’re in the shower now.  
iluvgilly: which of the basic positions is that?  
SexViper: They have moved on from the seven basic positions to the more advanced lovemaking styles. It now depends on her flexibility.  
IKnowALittleSomething: 7????  
YoungWolf: SEVEN?  
SexViper: The Beautiful Ballerina of Passion would have them standing with one of her legs resting on his shoulder.  
UKnowUWantMe: gag barf het sex  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Go on…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote the entire end of this chapter based on a PM from the amazing [tafkar](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tafkar/pseuds/tafkar). My advice to you is this: Never travel with tafkar. She has the worst hotel luck ever.
> 
> I love her for sharing.


	12. The Draft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...here's the deal. I set up a fake Yahoo Fantasy League with these whole plans to draft and use details in this chapter. But Yahoo wouldn't let me log in as different teams. I was using four devices and it would only let me log in as two teams, the first two I had created. 
> 
> So, this chapter is late...and weak. I had to change the entire structure.
> 
> The way a draft works is that each team picks once in each round. I have only noted one pick in each round because I didn't want to make you all insane with seeing the entire Draft. And Yahoo fucked me.
> 
> It might take me a bit to sort out the teams. Anyway. This ends this installment.

Pre - Draft Chatter

URallAssholes: so?  
Kingslayer: She's amazing.  
URallAssholes: and?  
Kingslayer: Can you cover for us if we run out to the car for 15 minutes?  
URallAssholes: DUDE

\--

WarriorMaiden: I have nothing to say.  
SexontheSand: Did he leave you speechless? It didn't sound that way last night.  
IronIslandBattleBabe: Ell, I can see her sitting on the couch her at Catelyn's and her face is turning like 18 shades of red.  
WarriorMaiden: It is not.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 19  
SexontheSand: Margaery has been humming today. She's trying on another dress.  
KissedByFire: What is that song she's humming? I know it but I can't place it.  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery hums the morning after she has sex.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You cannot distract us from asking about you and Jaime, Brienne. Though we don't really need to.  
KissedByFire: We heard.  
WarriorMaiden: You heard nothing.  
SexontheSand: Everyone heard everything.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I bet that room looks like a hurricane hit it.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 20  
WarriorMaiden: I am living in denial.  
SexontheSand: So it was good? Tell us about the surprise oral?  
WarriorMaiden: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 21  
KissedByFire: No one, we were just fishing. But we all know you and Jaime have been dating for months now.  
WarriorMaiden: We have not.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 22

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: I just sent you all a picture from the dressing room. Does my butt look big in this dress?  
SexontheSand: I could just join you in the dressing room?  
KissedByFire: Marg, Brienne got surprise oral from Jaime.  
LadyRose: She told you??  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 23  
WarriorMaiden: If Margaery is humming showtunes, it means she got laid last night.  
LadyRose: Like you're one to talk, Brienne Tarth.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: 24  
KissedByFire: It's Surrey with the Fringe on Top!!  
SexontheSand: We all need to get together to discuss. In detail.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Jaime is looking at you.  
WarriorMaiden: He is not. I have to go Draft.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: She can barely sit, is wearing a winter scarf indoors to hide the hickeys and is refusing to look at Jaime. Jaime alternates between grinning like an idiot and looking at her like he wants to drag her by the hair back to his cave.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She tried to make him wear a scarf. He refused.  
KissedByFire: I want details on this surprise oral.  
LadyRose: Apparently it's part of the Lannister skill set and it makes the whole world go black and explode in a thousand sparkly diamond colors.  
SexontheSand: You know this from experience then?  
LadyRose: I think I'm going to get this dress.

\--

BeardedStag: Congrats on getting the first pick in the draft, Brie.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks. I have some issues with LeSean McCoy and I think I’m going to go with Jamaal Charles.  
BeardedStag: Solid pick. So, you and Jaime? All night long. Are you finally going to admit you're a couple?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not discussing this.  
BeardedStag: Everyone knows Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s just I’m worried about McCoy’s toe.  
BeardedStag: You can pretend all you want. You’re not fooling anyone.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
BeardedStag: Wish you would have. Last night. When it was so damn loud.

\--

FlayMaster: Do not mess this up, Ramsay.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i wont dad  
FlayMaster: I’ll not have you embarrass me or besmirch the Bolton name.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: don’t u have a block party to attend?  
FlayMaster: …

\--

FertileNonagenarian: the grandkids got me all set up 2 draft online  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t forget our deal, Walder.  
FertileNonagenarian: no kicker til the 12th round  
WarriorMaiden: Right. No matter what anyone says.  
FertileNonagenarian: and I get a date w yarsha?  
WarriorMaiden: Absolutely.  
FertileNonagenarian: i wont draft a kicker at all if she marries me  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t push it.

\--

SharkKing: watch over ur idiot brother  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I will.  
SharkKing: dont let him draft injured players  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can’t stop him, but I’ll give him advice.  
SharkKing: he wont take it  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So, make me co-owner.

\--

Round 1

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With the First Pick in the Draft, WarriorMaiden selects Jamaal Charles, Running Back, Chiefs.

Needler: hey brie  
WarriorMaiden: What’s up Arya?  
Needler: is Jaime ur bf now?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. I’m not sure?  
Needler: he got u food and held the plate 4 u, dad doesn’t even do that 4 mom  
WarriorMaiden: I think maybe but we haven’t said anything officially.  
Needler: i put my head on gendry’s shoulder and told him he was now my bf, u should try it  
WarriorMaiden: It’s different for adults. I mean. Sometimes they just spend time together without an official commitment. I really don't know right now.  
Needler: kissing time?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes with adults, kissing doesn't make you a couple.  
Needler: jaime asked u 2b his gf?  
WarriorMaiden: Not exactly.  
Needler: u could ask him?  
WarriorMaiden: He might not want that.  
Needler: boys r stupid  
WarriorMaiden: Sometimes they are just hard to figure out.  
Needler: Hey! draft packers!  
WarriorMaiden: I will if I can.

\--

iluvgilly: thx so much cat for saying gilly and I can stay  
RedHeadedMother: She seems like a very nice girl.  
iluvgilly: she is, she's great, let me know if i can help u at all  
RedHeadedMother: There is one thing Sam...  
iluvgilly: ?  
RedHeadedMother: Stop Theon if he tries to use one of the bathrooms.  
iluvgilly: uh...okay

\--

Round 2

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their second round pick, WinterWolves selects Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Packers.

IKnowALittleSomething: hey j, u fucktard  
Kingslayer: What do you want, permapout?  
IKnowALittleSomething: so, u and brie..uh..video?  
Kingslayer: Fuck YOU. You will never see her naked. You will never touch her. If I catch you even looking at her, I will gouge your eyes out with this plastic spork I’m about to wave at you.  
IKnowALittleSomething: chill dude  
Kingslayer: Go back to the Wall and freeze your balls off and stay the hells away from Brienne.

\--

YoungWolf: i dunno where she keeps the platters  
MrsYoungWolf: Everytime I ask her something, she snaps at me. You come in this kitchen and find the platters.  
YoungWolf: i have 2 pay attention to the draft  
MrsYoungWolf: And I should have gone shopping with Marg, Ell and Ygritte.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: who r u?  
Unknown: A man is just a man.  
FertileNonagenarian: damn, was hopin u were a chick

[Unknown has left the conversation.]

\--

Round 3

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their third round pick, Hear Me Kick Ass selects Cordarelle Patterson, Wide Receiver, Vikings.

RedHeadedMother: Everyone but Jaqen, Oberyn, Ellaria, Jaime and Brienne are staying at my house tonight. They all made up stories to check out of the hotel.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: What’s happening with Jaime and Brienne?  
RedHeadedMother: He’s strutting around like a peacock showing his feathers, grinning and glaring at everyone who gets near Brienne.  
RedHeadedMother: He actually growled at Ned when he hugged her hello.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Lannister men can be possessive.  
RedHeadedMother: Apparently, things were quite loud last night. I'm glad they didn't stay here. I should refuse to house everyone else, but I don't want to prevent anything happening with Brienne and Jaime.  
RedHeadedMother: We need her to break this league.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: How is the draft going?  
RedHeadedMother: Brienne seems to be staring at her iPad a lot, turning red and trying to ignore Jaime. Or at least pretend that the two of them don’t have hickeys all over their necks.  
RedHeadedMother: When she does look at him, she bites her lip. He grins and bites his lip back. She turns red and stares at her iPad. I pull out my disapproving stare whenever someone tries to tease them. I don't want Brienne to panic.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: But how is the DRAFT going?  
RedHeadedMother: I can’t tell. Brienne doesn’t seem upset about it. Tyrion is drafting for the Lannister team.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Dammit.  
RedHeadedMother: Oh, Margaery and Tyrion aren’t staying here tonight. I guess they are in a different hotel.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Oh really?

\--

Round 4

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their fourth round pick, Team Stannis/Davos selects Julius Thomas, Tight End, Broncos.

Kingslayer: I’ve been investigating.  
WarriorMaiden: Investigating what?  
Kingslayer: Off the kitchen, there is a small room filled with cans and jars.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re investigating the pantry? There are boxes of pizza and chips and snacks everywhere. Are you foraging for food?  
Kingslayer: The door locks. And there is a table in there. It’s pretty sturdy.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you saying we should go in the pantry and…  
Kingslayer: YES.  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
Kingslayer: The back of your neck is turning red. I want to kiss it.  
WarriorMaiden: No, Jaime. We can’t.  
Kingslayer: It’s been so long…  
WarriorMaiden: We were in the car out front less than an hour ago.  
Kingslayer: A WHOLE HOUR.  
WarriorMaiden: We can’t have sex in Ned and Cat’s house.  
Kingslayer: I checked out the table. It’ll hold us.  
WarriorMaiden: We can’t.  
Kingslayer: I want you.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…

[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: Brienne, I want to politely and discreetly remind you that it’s your turn to draft. You appear to be distracted and I did not want the time to expire and you to lose a pick.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Stannis.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Fucking cockblocking asshole.  
CommissionerByRight: Just reciprocating the favor, Jaime. You prevented me from having a decent night’s sleep.

\--

Round 5

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their fifth round pick, IWillBeYourChampion selects Mike Wallace, Wide Receiver, Dolphins.

Needler: hey  
Kingslayer: Do you need me to punch someone?  
Needler: not at the moment, im gonna watch the game on my phone on thursday  
Kingslayer: A reasonable solution.  
Needler: is brienne ur gf now?  
Kingslayer: Brienne has always been my girlfriend.  
Needler: does she know that?  
Kingslayer: Of course. How could she not know?  
Needler: *side eye*  
Kingslayer: She doesn't want me to sit next to her. She said I'll distract her from drafting.  
Needler: u can sit in kitchen w me. i hve a secret plate of brownies  
Kingslayer: You're here?  
Needler: dude, i took ur coat and showed u n2 the rec room, u gave me 2 bucks  
Kingslayer: Shortish? Dark hair? Slightly more feminine but just as short as Snow?  
Needler: im almost 14, im gonna grow more soon  
Kingslayer: I thought you were the maid. You said something about brownies?

\--

Round 6

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their sixth round pick, The Faceless Men selects Tom Brady, Quarterback, Patriots.

IKnowALittleSomething: i wanna try that leg over my shoulder ting w ygs 2night  
YoungWolf: not in my mother's house  
SharkReek: is ygs that flexible?  
IKnowALittleSomething: dunno, man though  
SharkReek: after this round, i gotta take a dump  
YoungWolf: NO  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO  
SharkReek: dudes, i gotta  
YoungWolf: mom is already pissed, u stink out her bathroom REEK and she will go off  
SharkReek: not like i can hold it  
IKnowALittleSomething: try

\--

URallAssholes: tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: look at me  
WarriorMaiden: Do not make those finger motions at me!  
URallAssholes: told u so  
WarriorMaiden: Brady was a good pick in the 6th round. Jaqen is going to be tough this year.  
URallAssholes: blonde babies who are going to stampede through lys and defeat mothra  
WarriorMaiden: So...I hear Marg was humming show tunes earlier.  
URallAssholes: indeed?  
WarriorMaiden: Is it even possible to embarrass you?  
URallAssholes: no, not really

\--

Round 7

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their seventh round pick, Night’s Winnermen selects Kendall Wright, Wide Receiver, Titans.

BAMFLannister: How is the draft progressing?  
Kingslayer: No clue. Ask Tyrion.

[Kingslayer has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: How's the draft going?  
URallAssholes: good so many peeps r off their game  
URallAssholes: ervy1 is tired but robb, ned and theon, ned keeps apologizing 2 cat and theon looks like he has 2 shit  
Kingslayer: How is Brienne doing?  
URallAssholes: she's good  
BAMFLannister: No woman compares to a Lannister when it comes to fantasy football.  
URallAssholes: rollin eyes  
BAMFLannister: Jaime, you should be paying more attention to the draft.  
Kingslayer: I set lineups. Tyrion drafts.  
BAMFLannister: You should do both.  
Kingslayer: IS OBERYN SITTING DOWN NEXT TO HER?

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

BAMFLannister: Hrmph.

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: thx for doing all the draft prep, son, thanks for studying the stats and the sleepers, way 2 draft a kick ass team, you're a real lannister oh and thanks little brother for fixing things with brienne so i could finally get laid  
URallAssholes: You’re welcome, both of you. it was nothing

\--

Round 8

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their eighth round pick, DragonKings selects Tony Romo, Quarterback, Cowboys.

TheLastDragon: must you question every single one of my picks?  
KellyCsBear: I worry that you are picking based on flash rather than substance.  
TheLastDragon: flashy players are flashy because they are good  
KellyCBear: Khal Drogo always advised to choose players who are in for the long haul rather than those who have only a few great games.  
TheLastDragon: fuck Khal Drogo! I don't need him to win this league!  
KellyCsBear: Of course not.  
KellyCsBear: That's why we never win.

\--

SexViper: No, my love. When I hinted at it, she turned red and politely declined.  
SexontheSand: Ah well. Yarsha perhaps?  
SexViper: Already arranged.

\--

Round 9

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their ninth round pick, Thorny Stags selects Chris Johnson, Running Back, Jets.

YoungWolf: hey, walder hasnt picked a kicker yet  
LegitmizeThisBitches: whut?  
IKnowALittleSomething: fuk, where is he?  
SharkReek: he's drafting online  
YoungWolf: fuck fuck fuck

[YoungWolf has invited FertileNonagenarian to the conversation.]  
[FertileNonagenarian has joined the converstion.]

FertileNonagenarian: what?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u know it's going 2 be a big year 4 kickers walder  
YoungWolf: yeah, im gonna draft one soon  
IKnowALittleSomething: dont want all the good kickers 2 be gone  
SharkReek: im drafting a kicker next  
FertileNonagenarian: all of u got dicks?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: yeah....  
FertileNonagenarian: if u got dicks, not listening, fuc off

[FertileNonagenarian has left the conversation.]

SharkReek: i really gotta go, sam keeps blocking the bathroom  
YoungWolf: NO  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO  
LegitimizeThisBitches: CORK IT

\--

Round 10

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their tenth round pick, GridIronBorn selects Nick Folk, Kicker, Jets.

SharkKing: did your idiot brother just draft a kicker in the 10th round????  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I don't now what happened. He was set to draft a wide receiver!  
SharkKing: IDIOT

\--

RedHeadedMother: Jeyne, I know I've said it a 1000 times today, but thank you so much for being here to help me.  
MrsYoungWolf: This is a nightmare.  
RedHeadedMother: We have to keep Theon away from the bathroom. If he gets in there, the entire house will smell for a week.  
MrsYoungWolf: You realize he stayed with us last night. Why didn't you warn me?  
RedHeadedMother: Sorry dear. I got so wrapped up in dealing with the house, that it just slipped my mind.  
MrsYoungWolf: Sure. I just thought they called him Reek because of the bad breath.  
RedHeadedMother: Well, that too.

\--

Round 11

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their eleventh round pick, Flayers’ Players selects Jeremy Hill, Running Back, Bengals.

Kingslayer: What did Martell say to you earlier?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't want to discuss it.  
Kingslayer: He looked at you, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: He kissed my hand too.  
Kingslayer: YOU LET HIS LIPS NEAR YOU?  
WarriorMaiden: It wasn't like I had any warning. And it wasn't a big deal. He was just being chivalrous.  
Kingslayer: I will kill him if he gets near you again.  
WarriorMaiden: Don't be ridiculous.  
Kingslayer: Meet me in the pantry and we can discuss it.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, no, we can't.  
Kingslayer: I WANT you.  
WarriorMaiden: There are only six more rounds left.  
Kingslayer: Don’t you want me?  
WarriorMaiden: Gods, how can you ask that?  
Kingslayer: I want lick all the freckles I missed.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really think you missed any?  
Kingslayer: Meet me in the pantry so we can find out.

[PerfectPrincess has joined the conversation.]

PerfectPrincess: hey jaime, brienne  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Sansa.  
PerfectPrincess: do u want me 2 put my bags n the car now or wait 4 2morrow? what time did u want to leave?  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I told you Sansa would be riding back to King’s Landing with us and staying with me for a week. Ned and Cat will take her back next week on opening Sunday.  
Kingslayer: You did?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. You asked me who Sansa was.  
Kingslayer: Who is Sansa?  
PerfectPrincess: hi, i’m over here, long red hair, u asked me if the pantry table was an antique, im waving at u, u gave me 2 bucks  
Kingslayer: Uh. Hi.  
WarriorMaiden: You tipped her?  
Kingslayer: I thought she was a servant!  
PerfectPrincess: so… bags? i have 2 suitcases for clothes, 1 for shoes, a roller bag of makeup n stuff and then my laptop/iPad bag  
WarriorMaiden: You’re staying a week.  
PerfectPrincess: i KNOW! i really shold have a 2nd case of shoes, i hope i packed enough clothes, we can go shopping though, right?  
WarriorMaiden: Uh. Sure. Jaime and I will pick you up tomorrow around say noon?  
Kingslayer: Make it 2.  
WarriorMaiden: Our hotel checkout time is 11.  
Kingslayer: Brienne…  
WarriorMaiden: Make it 2, Sansa and we’ll load your bags when we get here.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe 230.

\--

Round 12

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their twelfth round pick, 2Old2Care selects Dan Carpenter, Kicker, Bills.

YoungWolf: FUCK  
IKnowALittleSomething: FUCK FUCK FUCK  
SharkReek: HOLY FUCK  
LegitimizeThisBitches: this did not just happen

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has invited PerfectPrincess to join the conversation.]  
[PerfectPrincess has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Well well well, Walder drafted a kicker in the 12th round. That means I won the bet.  
PerfectPrincess: what bet?  
SharkReek: shit fuck dammit  
LegitimizeThisBitches: shit balls  
YoungWolf: HEY, my sister is here  
Kingslayer: She’s your sister?  
IKnowALittleSomething: and u think I know nothing  
WarriorMaiden: Well, Sansa, Jon, Robb, Theon and Ramsay all bet me that Walder would pick a kicker by the 10th round. He didn’t.  
PerfectPrincess: what did u win?  
WarriorMaiden: They all have to wear dresses to opening Sunday, which will be at a sports  
bar.  
URallAssholes: and heels  
PerfectPrincess: hehehehheeeee  
PerfectPrincess: thats great brie

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: So we are all wearing dresses to the draft, yes?  
PerfectPrincess: u lost the bet 2?  
SexViper: No. I just look good in a dress, young Sansa.  
WarriorMaiden: And speaking of that, Sansa, you wanted to go shopping in King’s Landing. Why don’t you get all the boys’ sizes and credit card information so you can pick out dresses and heels for all of them to wear?  
URallAssholes: i am going 2 take so many pics  
IKnowALittleSomething: ..ugh...fudgenuts!  
SexViper: I already have something picked out, goddess Brienne. Something special for you.  
Kingslayer: Shut up, Martell, or I would come over there and crush you.  
PerfectPrincess: thx Brie. u make fantasy football fun!!!!

\--

Round 13

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their thirteenth round pick, Thorny Stags selects Eli Manning, Quarterback, Giants.

Needler: how is ur draft goin?  
Unknown: A man’s team is solid.  
Needler: u know brienne needs to win the league  
Unknown: A woman has too much honor to cheat.  
Needler: cheat anyway  
Unknown: A girl has no honor.  
Needler: *shrug* I jes want her 2 win

\--

FlayMaster: Honestly, Ramsay. Autodraft could have picked a better team.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: we wont know until after week 1  
FlayMaster: I’ll not have you embarrass the Bolton name.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: uhm...how are the apps walda made?  
FlayMaster: Shut up.

\--

Kingslayer: So when you say she’s staying with you for a week, that means she’s just using your place?  
WarriorMaiden: Not exactly. I actually planned a full week of stuff to do with her. She’s visiting King’s Landing college and observing classes during the day but I have her every evening for dinner and she’s staying with me.  
Kingslayer: That’s not going to work.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Wench, you need to spend the evening, and the NIGHTS with me.  
WarriorMaiden: I promised Ned and Cat.  
Kingslayer: Break it.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t! It’s a promise.  
Kingslayer: What if we hook her up with my nephew. He’s about her age?  
WarriorMaiden: You mean the violent, misogynistic psychopath?  
Kingslayer: Uh...yeah.  
WarriorMaiden: No Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Dammit. When am I going to see you?  
WarriorMaiden: She’ll be gone on Sunday.  
Kingslayer: That’s a whole week.  
WarriorMaiden: I know…  
Kingslayer: Meet me in the pantry, we can discuss it?  
WarriorMaiden: I have to draft again in less than 8 minutes.  
Kingslayer: You really think it’s going to take that long?  
WarriorMaiden: After this pick, I’ll have at least 12 minutes.  
Kingslayer: I’ll be in the pantry, waiting for you. HURRY.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods...Jaime...

 

\--

Round 14

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their fourteenth round pick, 2Old2Care selects Johnny Manziel, Quarterback, Browns.

RedHeadedMother: What is your brother doing in my larder??  
URallAssholes: uhm...checking out the canned goods?  
RedHeadedMother: Good gods. There are children in this house!  
URallAssholes: fuk me, ill bang on the door  
RedHeadedMother: Brienne is such a nice girl. Your brother is corrupting her.  
URallAssholes: mebbe she’s corrupting him  
RedHeadedMother: …  
URallAssholes: fine, ur right  
RedHeadedMother: Well, apparently, they’re done. That was rather quick. Is that a Lannister issue?  
URallAssholes: fuk no  
RedHeadedMother: Well it wasn’t very kingly.

\--

TheLastDragon: im bored  
SharkReek: i still need 2 shit  
iluvgilly: the downstairs bath isn't working  
MrsYoungWolf: Catelyn will slaughter you if you mess her bathroom.  
SharkReek: i can wait til i get 2 ur place  
MrsYoungWolf: I booked you into a hotel. It suddenly had a lot of vacancies.  
TheLastDragon: ahahhahaha, no sleep for you, assholes  
SharkReek: fuk u

\--

Round 15

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their fifteenth round pick, DragonKings selects Ravens, Defense.

URallAssholes: cat heard u  
Kingslayer: Do. Not. Care.  
URallAssholes: tall chick might care  
Kingslayer: Why?  
Kingslayer: Hey, this Sassy girl is supposed to stay with Brienne for the whole next week. That is going to be a problem.  
URallAssholes: uh...k?  
Kingslayer: Can you take her?  
URallAssholes: take her where?

[Kingslayer has invited PerfectPrincess to the conversation.]  
[PerfectPrincess has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey, Sally, this is my brother, Tyrion. You can hang with him while you’re in King’s Landing.  
URallAssholes: uh, whut?  
PerfectPrincess: uhm. i don’t really know u, and aren’t u kinda old for me?  
URallAssholes: aren’t u kinda dumb 4 me? and bitchy?  
PerfectPrincess: sorry, i just really dont want to hang out w u  
URallAssholes: i feel bad 4 u and all, but i don’t want 2 hang out w u either  
Kingslayer: Come on. You should spend time together. Say a week. Get to know know one another. It’s your duty to mend any rifts between the Starks and the Lannisters.  
URallAssholes: u realize you’re sounding like Father?  
PerfectPrincess: uhm...I really already have plans with Brienne  
URallAssholes: see, cant help u bro  
PerfectPrincess: and margaery too!  
URallAssholes: fuk

\--

Round 16

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With their sixteenth round pick, IWillBeYouRChampion selects Rob Bironas, Kicker, Titans.

KissedByFire: Thank gods you’re almost done. I’m about to strangle Marg.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Has she taken you to every shop in Winterfell?  
SexontheSand: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry  
When I take you out in the surrey,  
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!  
That is the only verse she knows.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh gods.  
KissedByFire: ALL FUCKING DAY.  
SexontheSand: How was the draft?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Theon is an idiot. Otherwise fine.

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: I think Jaime and Brienne had a quickie in a room off the kitchen.  
LadyRose: Oh nice. I’m so happy for her.  
KissedByFire: You’re so fucking happy.  
SexontheSand: So, the little man?  
LadyRose: Is not so little.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice.

[WarrorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: How’s the shopping?  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: How’s the fucking?  
SexontheSand: From the sounds last night, it was very very pleasurable.  
LadyRose: You have to tell us everything.  
WarriorMaiden: NO. NO. I can’t talk about it.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And was that a quickie in the store room?  
WarriorMaiden: No. Shut up.  
SexontheSand: Quickies are nice. I wish Oberyn liked quickies.  
LadyRose: You and Jaime? Tell all.  
WarriorMaiden: NO!  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You know everyone heard you all over the hotel last night.  
WarriorMaiden: No!  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I wanted to join you.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
LadyRose: So are you official now?  
WarriorMaiden: ...No?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Officially fucking all over Winterfell.  
MrsYoungWolf: You are not exclusive?  
WarriorMaiden: ...no?

\--

WardenWolf: You are the best wife.  
RedHeadedMother: I am.  
WardenWolf: And I great mother.  
RedHeadedMother: Agreed.  
WardenWolf: I promise not to volunteer us to do this again next year.  
RedHeadedMother: WHAT! YOU VOLUNTEERED?  
RedHeadedMother: You told me Stannis asked! You told me you got forced into it! You told me you tried to get out of it!!!  
WardenWolf: You’re the best Cat, just the best.

\--

Round 17

CommissionerByRight sends a global message: With the Final Pick in the draft Thorny Stags selects Titans, Defense. The Draft is complete.

FingerfewerHand: See it all went perfectly fine. No fist fights, no screaming matches, no blood.  
CommissionerByRight: Most everyone seemed too tired to argue. It was nice.  
FingerfewerHand: We also have a solid team this year. We should do well.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos, I want to thank you for shouldering the majority of the responsibility for drafting our team this year. I allowed myself to become so involved in my duties as Commissioner and relied too heavily on you. I’m sorry.  
FingerfewerHand: It’s my team too. I’m happy to put in the work. You know I enjoy putting in the work.  
CommissionerByRight: Why don’t I put in the work when we get back home, Sir?  
FingerfewerHand: I believe Catelyn is assigning us a relatively private room, and I brought a set of sheets from home.  
CommissionerByRight: You are far too good to me, Davos. I will put in the work to make it up to you tonight.  
FingerfewerHand: What?  
CommissionerByRight: You are far too good to me, Sir.  
FingerfewerHand: Better.

[SharkKing has joined the conversation.]

SharkKing: my son is an idiot, stan, can we redo the draft so i can be present?  
CommissionerByRight: You chose to make Theon a co-owner, giving him full drafting privileges and you chose not to come to Winterfell for the Draft. I can imagine no circumstances under which the League owners would agree to a complete reset of the Draft.  
SharkKing: FUCK

[SharkKing has left the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

FingerfewerHand: That was a mood killer.  
SexViper: Was someone talking sex? Looking for company?  
CommissionerByRight: No, Oberyn. No one wants company.  
SexViper: I should have tried to join Jaime and the goddess Brienne in the larder earlier.  
CommissionerByRight: What?  
FingerfewerHand: Blood pressure, Stannis. Blood pressure.

\--

Kingslayer: I want you. Let’s go.  
WarriorMaiden: We have to thank Catelyn and Ned.  
Kingslayer: Fuck them. I want you, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: And I have to find my underwear.  
Kingslayer: I have them.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: They are in my pocket. Let’s go.  
WarriorMaiden: Why are my underwear in your pocket?  
Kingslayer: Look over at me right now.  
WarriorMaiden: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?  
Kingslayer: LET'S GO.  
WarriorMaiden: I am logging off and going to say goodbye to Ned and Cat. DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN.  
Kingslayer: Then hurry.

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: those her panties?  
Kingslayer: Everyone was supposed to think it’s a napkin.  
URallAssholes: w pink flowers on it?  
Kingslayer: Anyone else notice?  
URallAssholes: if they did, they aren’t saying n e thing. all that growling, glaring combined with the bonecrushing handshakes have kept them quiet.  
Kingslayer: Good. Those assholes aren’t worthy to look at her.  
URallAssholes: ur all in, eh?  
Kingslayer: She’s going to have this Stark kid with her for a week. A week!  
URallAssholes: u cant go a week?  
Kingslayer: Seven hells.  
URallAssholes: u could get a hotel room at lunch?  
Kingslayer: I was thinking the back seat of her car in the parking lot, but a hotel is a much better idea. Sending an email to Peck now.

\--

TO: Assistant Peck  
FROM: Jaime Lannister  
RE: Hotel Room  
DATE: August 30, 2014

Peck  
Book a hotel room for the entire week, the nicest hotel within 10 minutes of Baratheon Enterprises main office. Make that 5 minutes. Best room they have.

Have it stocked with lots of water. Maybe some Gatorade. And have them put in sandwiches every day at lunch. And whipped cream. The spray kind, not the bowl kind. And chocolate syrup. In the squeezy bottle.

Have one of the keys hand-delivered to Brienne Tarth, Baratheon Enterprises on Monday morning.

Jaime  
Your Boss

PS. Tell Father nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I love you all.
> 
> That's another installment in the bag. I have to sort out the teams before another one will be happening.
> 
> Hope you're enjoying this! As always send me prompts in comments or to me over at JBO.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, thank you to InkandType and tafkar for the titbombs. Thanks to the lovely women in chat for inspiration. 
> 
> Thank you to every single person who has commented ever because each comment gives me inspiration. Thank everyone who sent a prompt and I'm getting to them. Hopefully.


End file.
